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Why Am I Here?
The first thing you need to know is all the questions, doubt, and uncertainty you may have go hand in hand with a condition of this nature, so I want to assure you that your life isn’t a lost cause by any means.
By its very nature, the way in which PMDD manifests can make feelings of insecurity about life feel unavoidable.
In my experience, the fluctuating symptoms of the condition over the years fostered a deep sense of self-doubt, leaving my outlook on the future feeling increasingly hopeless.
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The ongoing cycle of extreme lows, briefly interrupted by good days before slipping back again, made it difficult for me to feel like I could discover my life’s true meaning.
I spent most of my adult life following the world’s blueprint for independent living.
I had a decent job, owned my home, drove my own car — and while these things brought a sense of comfort, attaining them was subconsciously my way of blending in and remaining unnoticed.
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In the UK, I strongly believe we have a quiet culture of ‘struggling silently’.
Being vulnerable about one’s true state is often masked, and I was no exception. I didn’t want my battles with the condition to show externally.
I wanted to prove that I could be normal even though I felt anything but that.
The constant effort of keeping up appearances was draining my enthusiasm for life and more importantly, preventing me from leaning into my true passions.
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I feared that if I were to venture into exploring my true interests, I wouldn’t be able to sustain the commitment necessary due to my fluctuating moods.
That combination of feeling held back, alongside my attempt to maintain a respectable image within the rat-race culture, created a deep sense of emptiness.
I had nothing to look forward to and avoided working towards things that actually mattered, largely because I felt unreliable.
My life and attention were overtaken by my continuous efforts to simply cope.
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Questioned Identity
I was in ‘no-mans-land’. Caught between a rock and a hard place.
My sense of identity was dictated by the condition — for many years, it led, and I followed.
Years of practice made it easier for me to present myself in a certain way. I had mastered the art of masking what lay beneath, while suffering deeply within.
I knew I had qualities, I just didn’t know if I had enough faith to act on them because the monthly symptoms convinced me otherwise.
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For a significant timespan, I was left feeling confused as to who I was.
What was I doing on earth, and what was my purpose?
These questions circled my mind on a frequent basis, leading to feelings of despair.
I did my best to avoid burdening others, stayed in my lane, and kept my troubles to myself.
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In a strange way, I felt proud that I had managed to keep myself alive, knowing PMDD’s suicidal ideation had been a great struggle as the condition persisted.
I was consistently unsure of myself and the things that everyone else loved about me, I struggled to see in the same light.
The inner turmoil caused by the condition, twisted my perspective of self causing the real me to feel like an act.
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I felt embarrassed by the way my condition affected me — ashamed that I kept buckling under the intensity of emotions my brain hurled at me as my hormones fluctuated.
Amid all the suffering, I had lost my sense of self — but as the difficulties of life’s events compounded, I was forced into a position in which change became essential.
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Pain or Purpose?
‘Pain to purpose’ may sound cliché, but it’s a common motivational phrase for a reason.
During the worst of my struggles with the condition, I couldn’t see a clear way out.
Feeling trapped in a repetitive cycle made it difficult to see how I may attain anything different.
But after many years of enduring PMDD coupled with additional challenges, my hand was forced and I knew I had to act.
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The catastrophes of what I experienced and the subsequent dark hole I sunk into forced me into ‘fight or flight’, sparking questions and a curiosity for life I hadn’t previously experienced.
I knew I wanted things to change, and I had the desire for a better life, but I just didn’t know how to reach it.
That’s when I decided to release utter self-reliance, allowing full dependence on a God who loved me more than I knew.
It was the rekindling of something I once had, but this time with greater intention because I was desperate.
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I came to recognise that my situation was unique, and therefore, required equally unique solutions — starting with the state of my spirit.
And so, I took small steps pursuing Him for myself.
This decision saw my faith slowly begin to develop, and with it a new vigour and desire to commit to actions that would move my life forward despite the condition.
My life was meant to be more than coping and I began to wonder what it could become beyond the boundaries I had known.
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Inspired Against The Odds
Pursuing God set me off on a new path.
I found myself privately setting objectives and creating slow but steady realistic steps to achieve them.
The more I pursued things that fed my endorphins, the more hopeful I became, and the better I felt.
This led me to discover a cycle that lifted my mood so significantly that those optimistic feelings began to counteract the symptoms I typically experienced with the condition.
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It was a ‘worked happiness’ that took effort and consistency, but my desire to fight PMDD’s violently disruptive nature was enough to see me commit to such a path.
As a result of my continued effort behind the scenes, I realised I was becoming the person I always was — elevating in my true identity.
Connecting the dots of my experience, skillset, and natural gifts as I went along later revealed something else — my purpose and the meaning of my life.
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A Rose Grown Through Concrete
Although PMDD can create a compelling sense of confusion regarding your life’s purpose, it also presents an opportunity.
The nature of its disruptiveness makes us especially unique.
We possess a level of resilience, strength, and endurance that goes beyond conventional reasoning — if we’re willing to cultivate it.
The condition may make you feel weak, inadequate, incapable and afraid, but if you’re willing to embark on a journey of self-discovery, you’ll soon realise just how formidable you truly are.
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As convincing as it is, don’t allow PMDD to rob you of your potential and the greatness with which you were carefully crafted by The Almighty.
You may feel broken, but building something significant can start from the most unlikely of places.
My own journey inspired me to show others, who also started from difficult places, how they too can flip their script beginning from their pain — and you are no exception.
If you want different, it’s time to move differently — slowly, but with intention.
Become who you’re truly meant to be and discover your purpose for yourself — creating, building, and developing your own answers to life, one small step at a time, because you can.
