Estimated Reading Time: 14 mins
Introduction
Even with all the improvements I’ve made in my life, the final few days of PMDD before my period is due still remain the most intense.
The one and only positive takeaway is that they help me recognise exactly when my period is about to start.
Despite that, those last few days are still the hardest of each month.
Mentally, I feel disoriented, and emotionally, I feel vulnerable.
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Admittedly, I’ve made remarkable strides in managing life with premenstrual dysphoric disorder — and in ways that have even surprised me.
The challenges I now face in the final few days used to define my entire two-week period spent battling the condition each month.
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Despite the overall improvement made and the joy that brings, I’ve chosen to focus on these last few days should it resonate with others.
September 2024, the month I originally wrote this post, was an especially difficult one.
Once my period started, the mental relief came almost immediately, so I decided to document the raw reality of that specific episode and share my experience.
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Build-Up to The Storm
The week in question began on 9th September 2024.
At the time, I was applying for temporary work and had secured an interview scheduled for the following Tuesday.
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In addition to preparing for the upcoming interview, I also needed to organise the music for our monthly church service.
On top of that, I had to prepare my social media schedule across TikTok, Instagram, and YouTube, adding yet another task to an already growing to-do list.
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Behind the scenes, I was still committed to maintaining my gym routine, so life felt as though it was firing on all cylinders.
According to my cycle tracker, my period was due Monday, 16th September.
By Saturday, 14th September, I wasn’t at all surprised to find myself feeling out of sorts.
Even so, I stuck to my usual routine and went to the gym as normal.
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When Sunday arrived, I woke up feeling indifferent.
I wasn’t excited, but I wasn’t feeling low either — just indifferent.
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Faith Amid the Struggle
As is my practice most mornings, I took the time to pray, placing everything in the Lord’s hands because I knew I would need His grace to see these responsibilities through.
I was proud of how much I had managed to accomplish despite being in the latter stages of PMDD.
Even so, I knew I would need God’s help, as I was starting to grow weary and could sense a shift in my mindset.
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If you’ve explored any of my mind blogs or watched my content on other platforms, you’ll probably have noticed that I’m a strong believer in living by faith.
I make a conscious effort each day to be guided by faith rather than by my emotions.
If you live with a mental health condition yourself, you’ll know just how difficult that can be when you’re essentially, battling your own mind.
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After prayer, I began practicing my songs before turning my attention to my content.
Before long, my brother, his wife, and my nephews arrived.
We packed up the church equipment and made our way in separate cars.
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Despite feeling indifferent, the service was wonderful, and my worship segment went even better than I expected.
By the end of the day, I felt uplifted and way more at ease mentally than when the day had began.
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Following the service, we returned to mum’s house, enjoyed dinner, and spent some quality time together before my brother and family headed home.
I then turned in for the night shortly after.
I had a gym session planned first thing and still needed to finalise my interview preparation.
However, when Monday arrived and I woke up, I didn’t feel good — at all.
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The Rapid Decline
Extreme sadness, overwhelming anger, intense anxiety, paralysing confusion, and persistent doubt had taken hold.
It felt completely unlike me.
Nevertheless, I went to the gym as planned, returning home to complete the remainder of my interview preparation.
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Despite doing my best to stay on top of my commitments, I still felt besides myself.
My usual confidence seemed to have disappeared.
I felt emotionally fragile and found myself second-guessing everything.
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I tried to calm myself, offering thoughts of encouragement that this was simply the PMDD.
Although my period hadn’t arrived when expected, I could tell from the way I felt that it was imminent.
However, the longer it delayed, the worse I seemed to feel.
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By mid-afternoon on Monday, 16th September, I felt terrible.
For the first time in a very long time, I broke down in tears for no obvious reason.
As I sat with these emotions, my mind began drifting back through the previous decade until it unexpectedly landed on the day I moved into my old flat ten years prior.
A memory tainted by loneliness and misery.
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Old Memories, Fresh Pain
The memory unfolded something like this.
My belongings were heavy, and the walk from the car park to the flat was longer than I would have liked.
With no one available to help, I decided to park directly outside the building against parking restrictions.
As it was already past midnight, I assumed I’d be fine for 45 minutes.
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However, on one trip back to the car, I discovered a plain-clothed parking attendant had just finished placing a penalty notice on my windscreen.
Approaching him hastily, I quickly tried to explain the situation.
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I told him I was in the process of moving in and was simply trying to make the move more manageable due to the weight of my belongings.
I even drew his attention to my valid parking permit in the hopes of corroborating my explanation.
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He advised that as the penalty notice had already been issued, he was unable to retract it.
My eyes began to well up as my composure started to slip.
I could tell from his expression that he felt bad.
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He then explained the process for challenging the penalty, but as he spoke, tears streamed uncontrollably down my face.
I felt embarrassed.
After wishing me well with the move, he returned to his vehicle and drove away.
Left standing there alone, I felt distraught and hopeless.
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“If only I had a partner” I thought to myself.
“They would have helped, and this situation could have been avoided.”
From there, my thoughts became increasingly unkind, convincing me I would probably end up alone so I should get used to the idea.
Who would want me with all the challenges that PMDD brought into my life?
All the while, I cried endlessly as I continued transporting my belongings.
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Back to Reality
So why, of all memories, did my mind choose to revisit that specific one?
The answer was simple.
The more intense the symptoms, the harsher the self-deprecating thoughts.
This event had taken place during a PMDD episode more than a decade earlier, and its emotional weight only served to fuel the unhealthy state of my mind.
It may not seem particularly significant to others, but for a woman living with PMDD, unpleasant experiences can become magnified and feel traumatic.
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Now, back in September 2024, as I lay in bed crying and reflecting on that memory, I felt sorry for the younger version of me all over again.
In the space of less than 24 hours, I had lost sight of the person I knew myself to be.
My confidence, strength, boldness, and the optimism that usually defined me had seemingly vanished, replaced by a relentless sense of mental anguish.
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My interview was looming, and I knew I needed to pull myself together.
However, the mental dysfunction was so persuasive that it distorted my perspective, making years of growth and progress feel insignificant.
I’d been doing so well for so long.
How had PMDD managed to overtake my mind to this degree?
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Soon enough, suicidal ideation started to discretely surface.
After eventually falling asleep, I woke early on Tuesday morning and headed to the gym as usual.
But something felt off.
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I remembered how horribly the previous night had ended, yet I’d woken up feeling… better?
After finishing my workout, I came home, showered, got dressed and spent some time in prayer ahead of my interview.
Mentally, I felt settled, and emotionally, it was as though the previous day’s anguish had never existed.
I felt elated, free, and unexpectedly in good spirits.
That’s when I realised my period had started.
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Recognising My PMDD Pattern
This wasn’t the first time I’d experienced something like this, and it probably won’t be the last.
Nevertheless, I’ve made a mental note of the lesson it taught me for future reference.
The closer my period gets, the more intense my PMDD symptoms become.
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Women living with the condition are not exaggerating their experiences.
Everything I’ve described offers a glimpse into the mental toll PMDD can take on the women who have it.
What makes it especially difficult is that, in the moment, our thoughts and emotions can feel real, regardless of how distorted they may be.
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My story is merely a snippet from a much larger collection of my experiences with PMDD.
I’m grateful that I no longer endure the mental and emotional turmoil for the full 14 days, as was previously the case.
However, as my experience demonstrates, I still face significant symptoms during the final few days before my bleed.
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The noticeable improvement I’ve made overall is something I largely attribute to my faith and structured lifestyle as shared across other posts.
For many women though, experiences like the one I described are not confined to a handful of days but can persist for longer periods each month.
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Giving Voice to the Experience
I may be mentally stronger than I once was, but during this particular episode, PMDD was capable of reducing me to a shadow of myself.
My hope is that in sharing this personal account, it provides greater insight into the disruptive nature of PMDD and reassures those living with the condition that they are not alone.
Each of us are repeatedly forced to battle our own minds and endure a version of ourselves that feels unrecognisable.
Given that reality, is it any wonder that suicidal ideation is such a common symptom of the condition?
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Women with PMDD are not crazy.
Our brains are just hypersensitive to the changes in our hormones.
I’m yet to research this in depth, but I’m of the opinion that as we approach our bleed, further hormonal changes may occur which helps explain why the symptoms may feel more intense.
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Summary
We must remind ourselves that PMDD is not an accurate reflection of who we are.
It may cloud our thoughts, distort our emotions, and overshadow our true character, but no matter how convincing those feelings may seem, they do not define us.
Hold on to your faith, trust what you know about yourself to be true, and remember who you are beyond the condition.
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The reason I continue living life as normally as possible, regardless of my symptoms, is because the life practices and disciplines I’ve built are rooted in my true character.
I’m committed to pursuing the life I believe I’m called to live, rather than surrendering to the life PMDD attempts to impose.
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The closer our period gets, the more intense the condition can become, but never forget who you are, and who you are not.
Keep showing up for you, keep moving forward in faith, and keep believing, because you are so much stronger than you realise.
