Estimated Reading Time: 20 mins
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Introduction
It’s not what happens to you, but how you respond that shapes how you see those experiences and ultimately influences your quality of life.
Have you ever wondered why we find stories of people overcoming great adversity so inspiring?
They demonstrate that odds can be defied, which fills us with hope for our own lives.
We’re inspired by them because responding to life in a way that contradicts your experience, requires a level of self-discipline that is difficult to master.
Something I term ‘positive response management’.
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Response As Reflection
One of the greatest disciplines we can develop in life is mastery of self.
When practiced proactively, positive response management becomes a form of self-discipline, impacting and improving our lives for the better.
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James 1:19 states:
Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.
In other words, don’t react — respond.
Rather than being defined by our conditions, we must design our lives by our decisions.
I repeat.
Rather than being defined by our conditions, we must design our lives by our decisions.
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Everything that happens to us acts as a contributing factor, but it is our response that shapes the determining factors.
Choosing steps that lead to solution-focused outcomes not only prevents the situation from worsening, but gives us greater control over our emotions.
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The Weight of What We Face
Life will constantly test our character.
We share the Earth’s space with people from all walks of life and will inevitably deal with a range of personalities, character traits, and opinions.
Society’s expectations and demanding nature apply their own pressures, testing every fibre of our mental fortitude.
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We’ll encounter incredible people, but we’ll also face those who are rude, dismissive, mean, abrupt, or provocative.
We’ve all met someone who displayed one or more of these behaviours at some point in our lives.
You may have reacted impulsively to the unpleasant interaction, or simply chosen to ignore it.
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On the other hand, many of us have also had to face challenging conditions and environments.
Experiences such as a sudden bereavement, a threat of eviction, redundancy, a car accident, a tumultuous divorce, and the like.
How we are impacted by these external conditions varies based on individual perception.
If you’re anything like I once was, you may have felt disheartened, upset, or even depressed.
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Despite the challenges of life, there are those who always find a way to see even the most difficult of situations in a positive light.
They refuse to yield to provoked emotion, instead managing their responses in a way that keeps their focus on pursuing a solution.
These individuals take full ownership of their ‘response management capability’.
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Where Do You Stand?
We can all be placed into one of two categories: those who are reactive and those who are proactive.
Reactive behaviour is driven by external circumstances.
The emotions and actions of such individuals, are largely dictated by their surroundings at any given time.
Their environment controls them — therefore, their situational-driven responses, manage them.
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Proactive people, however, influence their circumstances through the intentional actions they take in any given situation.
They consistently maintain a mindset of faith, belief, and resilience.
By seeking out solutions, they apply themselves productively, taking on a leadership role in challenging situations.
They consciously direct their proactive response, ultimately sustaining their quality of life.
To illustrate everything we’ve discussed so far, I’m going to share the stories of two fictional characters to highlight the impact of reactive and responsive lifestyle practices.
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The Descent: Ian Stewart
Ian is a 29-year-old male of Scottish heritage — the only child to his parents.
Growing up, he was what many would consider ‘spoilt’.
His parents doted on him, were his biggest supporters, and backed him wholeheartedly throughout his life.
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After taking a few gap years to travel, he graduates from a prestigious university in London with a Bachelor’s Honours degree in Environmental Studies, later than his peers.
With a long-standing passion for the natural world, his dream is to become an Environmental Consultant.
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Ian lives in a 2-bed apartment in South-West London, with his fellow graduate and good friend, Lorna.
They share their rent between them, in addition to household bills.
While working part-time as an office administrator for a finance group in Central London, Ian is also financially supported by his parents.
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After completing his degree, Ian anticipates landing his ideal job quite quickly.
However, despite achieving a strong grade, he finds himself barely passing the first stage of job applications.
His parents then call him to explain that their savings are slowly running out, and as agreed when he moved to London, they would only support him for a further two months.
Ian begins to feel the pressure.
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Aware of his worsening predicament, he intensifies his job search but continues to face rejection.
His housemate Lorna, who has been more successful in securing a role, advises that she and her fiancé plan to move in together, so she’ll be moving out.
Now faced with finding a suitable housemate alongside his job search, the pressure continues to mount.
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As Ian’s frustration grows, he becomes increasingly anxious.
Over the next month, he continues applying for jobs and searching for a new housemate — but to no avail.
Anxiety and frustration soon give way to depression, and one Friday evening, he attempts to ease the pressure with a few shots of whiskey.
The habit soon takes hold, and before long, he has become dependant.
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Ian’s addiction begins to impact his performance at his part-time job, until eventually, he’s dismissed for gross misconduct after turning up intoxicated.
Following Lorna’s departure, and having failed to secure a new housemate, Ian gives up the lease, packs his belongings, and returns to his parent’s home in Scotland.
Once home, the reality of his circumstances worsen his depression, and the drinking intensifies.
“I worked so hard. I did everything right. Life isn’t fair,” his voice laced with anger as he takes another heavy sip.
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Trapped in his own thoughts, Ian slowly withdraws, isolating himself and cutting off communication with friends and extended relatives.
Despite his parents’ efforts to get him help, his decline continues.
His days become consumed with binge-watching TV shows, comfort eating, and drinking.
His search for work gradually fades, and soon, a year passes by.
Over time, he gains three stone, slips into chronic depression, and is later diagnosed with an alcohol-related condition — yet even this fails to deter his habit.
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Without the means to feed his habit, Ian begins stealing from his parents.
A few months later, his mother suffers a brain aneurysm — thought to be linked to high blood pressure, possibly exacerbated by the stress and concern she carried for her son.
After several weeks in intensive care, she passes away.
Devastated and consumed by grief, his drinking worsens, and he grows increasingly aggressive and unreasonable.
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At his breaking point and feeling hopeless, Ian’s father feels he has no choice but to ask him to leave their home.
Having lost contact with friends, Ian has no one to turn to and soon begins sleeping rough.
Over the next eight years, he moves between various homeless shelters.
At 42, he finally completes a successful alcohol rehabilitation programme.
The gravity of his life’s detour settles in as he begins to wonder how he might start again.
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Defined by Decision: Lilliana ‘Lily’ Ortiz
Lilliana is a 36-year-old mixed-race female of Russian and Puerto Rican heritage.
Although her father is Russian, she’s never met him.
Her mother worked as an au pair for a Russian family in the Dominican Republic, where she was subjected to sexual abuse by her employer — Lily’s father.
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Following the assault, Lily’s mother, Camila, turned to drugs to cope with her trauma, and Lily was born with drug dependency as a result.
Shortly after turning two, Lily was given up for adoption due to her mother’s struggles.
However, with a shortage of adoptive parents, she spent her childhood in the foster system until she came of age.
After experiencing a series of abuses while in the care of others, Lily, in early adulthood, resolved to pursue a fresh start, chasing the American dream.
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After applying for the U.S. Green Card lottery, she’s selected.
At just 21, she has no clear plan, but is determined to build a better life for herself.
During her time in care homes, she often cooked for her foster siblings, and it was there that she began dreaming of owning her own restaurant one day.
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Once in America, she applies for any job she can find, hoping to attend culinary school and develop her passion for cooking.
She’s offered a role as a school caterer on minimum wage, and although it isn’t what she hoped for, she’s grateful to have a job.
To improve her English, she spends many hours each week watching YouTube tutorials while practicing with her colleagues at work.
After calculating the cost of culinary school, she realises it will many take years to save what she needs on her current income.
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Lily lives in an unpleasant part of Detroit in a tiny studio flat.
Vermin, violent crime, and drug activity are rife in her community, yet her circumstances only serve to amplify her ambitions.
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Her neighbour, Nyesha — who would later become her best friend, frequently lends Lily her smartphone, allowing her to watch cooking programmes and develop her skills.
Alongside her day job, she also takes on a part-time evening role as a domestic cleaner.
Gradually, her savings begin to grow.
One evening on her walk home, she spots an advert for a local cooking competition organised by a well-known charity.
The winner will be awarded a full sponsorship to attend a culinary school of their choice.
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With Nyesha’s help, Lily submits her application and is shortlisted.
After attending, she progresses to the second round, but her dream is cut short when she fails to make the final selection.
The opportunity was everything she had hoped for, offering a clear path to her dreams — yet the outcome leaves her deeply disappointed and upset.
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Forced to return to life as usual, the discouragement of recent events only strengthens her determination — because, despite everything, she can now see that it is possible.
She searches tirelessly online for more cooking competitions.
“I know I can do this,” she mutters to herself.
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She attends another four competitions, each ending in the same outcome as the first.
Devastated by her inability to secure a win, doubt begins to creep in.
After a brief period of despair, Lily decides on a new approach, submitting job applications to several prestigious restaurants downtown.
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Rejected time and again, the doubt grows — but so does her defiance against giving up.
Believing in what she has to offer, she courageously visits one restaurant owner in person to ask if they would consider allowing her to work evenings as a dishwasher, even without pay.
Moved by her determination, the owner accepts, and Lily begins work the following Monday.
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In the months that follow, she forms a friendship with one of the sous chefs, Jason, and closely studies his distinctive techniques.
After a year in her voluntary placement, the owner, impressed by Lily’s performance, notices her observant nature.
One Friday night, she asks Lily to prepare one of their popular appetiser dishes.
Lilliana has been paying attention, quietly learning, and unknown to her team — has spent untold hours practicing.
She’s ready to prove herself.
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Excited by the opportunity, she prepares the appetiser, leaving the owner at a loss for words.
On the spot, Lily is offered a full-time, paid position as a sous-chef.
The chef she befriended and whose cooking ability she admires — Jason, later becomes her husband.
Lily flourishes in her position.
She contributes new menu ideas, maintains a strong work ethic, is extremely teachable, and demonstrates a high level of dedication.
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Another six years pass by, and she realises she has saved enough not only to attend culinary school, but also to start her own business.
Combining their savings, Lilliana and Jason move to Chicago, where they buy their own home, and open the restaurant she always dreamed of as a teen.
Thanks to its popularity, she’s soon hosting well-known names — and within ten years of opening, they expand to three additional branches.
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In her fourteenth year, Lily achieves the unthinkable — earning her first Michelin star and being approached by publishers to write her own cookbook.
After the release of her cookbook, she discovers her pregnancy and takes time away with her husband to reconnect and rebuild her relationship with her estranged mother.
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Reaction & Ruin
Although fictional, these two characters demonstrate how our decisions can define our quality of life.
We saw how Ian’s reactive attitude impacted his personal circumstances, causing his life to spiral from bad to worse.
Despite his more ‘favourable’ upbringing, his background had no bearing on his ‘response-ability’, as his decisions were shaped through emotions triggered by his environment.
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If left untreated, reactive behaviour can ripple through and shape our future outcomes — something we’ve all experienced.
However, a meaningful shift occurs when we can first recognise that there’s power in responding more effectively.
Reacting impulsively can be the difference between life or death — for example, a momentary act of rage or a desperate need for immediate financial relief.
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These represent the more extreme outcomes, but they illustrate how one single poor reactive decision can derail the course of our lives.
Controlling your response management and applying purposeful action can equally transform your life — for the better.
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Intentional Action & Impact
We likely anticipated a more tumultuous life for Lilliana — driven by subconscious stereotypes shaped by our knowledge of her difficult background.
Instead, her decisions, actions, and outcomes inspire a strong sense of admiration.
Lilliana wasn’t defined by her past or her circumstances — she designed her path through deliberate decisions.
Her response management ability was underpinned by an unspoken, ever-present resilience.
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Fully aware that her life and conditions were tough, she remained focused on what she believed could be achieved.
Confronted by her less-than-ideal reality, she faced each hurdle with the conviction that her proactivity could turn the tide.
Although it took years, her decisions ultimately shaped her outcomes.
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Summary
It’s completely natural to experience a range of emotions influenced by our changing environment — life can be unpredictable.
That’s why, although we have no control over life’s circumstances, it’s essential that we learn control of ourselves.
Whether life brings us good or bad, we must remain constant.
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If we can become consistent in our responses, actions, and behaviours, we will ultimately control our experience of life.
Life may remain changeable, but if we take ownership of our response management capability, we can actively shape our destiny.
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To help set you on your way, I encourage you to read a book that provided me with deep insight into this way of living: The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey.
Manage your actions, manage your responses, and you indirectly manage your life.
He that getteth wisdom loveth his own soul: he that keepeth understanding shall find good. Proverbs 19: 8
