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Why Am I Here?
The first thing you need to know is all the questions, doubt, and uncertainty you may have go hand in hand with a condition of this nature, so I want to assure you that your life is not a lost cause by any means.
The very nature of how PMDD manifests in our day to day lives makes those feelings of life insecurity unavoidable.
From my experience, the fluctuating symptoms of the condition over the years created a strong sense of self-unreliability which made my feelings towards my future appear hopeless.
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The ongoing cycle of extreme lows, briefly interrupted by good days before slipping back again, made it very difficult for me to feel like I could discover my life’s true meaning.
I spent most of my adult life following the world’s blueprint for independent living.
I had a decent job, owned my home, drove my own car and although these things provided a sense of comfort, attaining them was subconsciously my way of staying ‘unnoticed’.
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In the UK for the most part, there’s a quiet culture of ‘struggling silently’ for most people. Being vulnerable about one’s true state is often masked, and I was no exception.
I didn’t want my battles with the condition to show externally. I wanted to prove that I could be normal even though I felt anything but that.
This ordeal of keeping up appearances was draining my enthusiasm for life but more importantly, it stopped me from leaning into my true passions.
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I was scared that if I ventured into exploring my true interests, I wouldn’t be able to sustain the commitment necessary due to the fluctuating moods caused by life with PMDD.
That combination of feeling held back plus my attempts to maintain how I appeared as a citizen of the rat race culture created a deep sense of emptiness.
I had nothing to look forward to and I avoided working towards things that mattered to me because I felt like I couldn’t trust myself.
My life and my attention were overtaken by my continuous efforts to simply cope.
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Who Actually Am I?
I was in ‘no-mans-land’. Caught between a rock and a hard place. My sense of identity was dictated by the condition for many years — it led, and I followed.
Years of practice made it easier for me to present myself in a particular way. I had mastered the art form of masking what lay beneath, but I was suffering greatly within.
I knew I had qualities, I just didn’t know if I had enough faith to act on them because the difficult symptoms I experienced managed to convince me otherwise.
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For a significant timespan I was left feeling confused as to who I actually was.
What was I doing on earth and what was my purpose?
These questions circled my mind on a frequent basis and led to feelings of despair. I did my best to avoid burdening others, I stayed in my lane, and I kept my troubles to myself.
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In a weird way, I was proud that I had managed to keep myself alive because PMDD’s suicidal ideation had been my biggest fight the more the condition persevered.
I was consistently unsure of myself and the things that everyone else loved about me, I struggled to see in the same light.
The tumultuous battles I faced within my mind had twisted my perspective of self. The convincing nature of the condition caused the real me to feel like an act.
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The positive aspects of myself I grew to view as false because of how intense my PMDD days were.
I felt embarrassed by what my condition would put me though — ashamed that I would succumb to the intensity of feelings hurled at me by my brain due to my fluctuating hormones.
In all the suffering, I had lost my sense of self but very strangely, as the difficulties of life’s events compounded, I was forced into a position in which things slowly began to change.
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Rebirth — New Meaning
‘Pain to purpose’ may sound cliché but it’s repeated for a reason.
During the worst of my struggles with the condition, I saw no clear way out. I felt trapped in an unending cycle and could not see how I might attain anything different.
After many years of enduring PMDD coupled with additional challenges, my hand was eventually forced.
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The catastrophes of what I experienced and the subsequent dark hole I sunk into forced me into ‘fight or flight’, sparking questions and a curiosity for life I hadn’t previously experienced.
I knew I wanted things to change. I knew I had desires for a better life, but I just didn’t know how to reach there.
It was time for me to release the self-reliance and allow dependence on a God who loved me more than I knew.
It was a rekindling of something I once had but this time with greater intention because I was desperate.
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I felt my situation was unique and it required unique solutions starting with the state of my spirit. And so, I took small steps pursuing Him for myself.
This decision saw my faith slowly begin to develop and with it a new vigour and desire to commit to actions that would move my life forward positively amidst my ongoing condition.
I knew my life was more than my ability to cope and I had a curiosity to discover what it could look like beyond its existing boundaries.
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Pursuing God set me off on a new path. I found myself privately setting objectives and creating slow but steady realistic steps to achieve them.
The more I pursued things that fed my endorphins, the more hopeful I became and the better I felt.
This was my discovery of a cycle that would uplift my mood so much that my feel-good feelings began to counteract the symptoms I’d typically experience with the condition.
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It was a ‘worked happiness’ that took effort and consistency but my desire to desperately fight PMDD’s violently disruptive nature was enough to see me commit to this path.
As a result of my continued effort behind the scenes, I realised I was becoming the person I always was — elevating in my true identity.
Connecting the dots of my experience, skillset, and natural gifts as I went along revealed a discovery — my purpose and the meaning of my life.
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The Path Ahead
Although PMDD may create a compelling sense of confusion as to your life’s purpose it also presents an opportunity.
The nature of its disruptiveness makes us very unique. We have a level of resilience, strength, and endurance that goes beyond normal understanding if we’re willing to unveil it.
The condition may make you feel weak, inadequate, incapable and afraid but if you’re willing to go on a journey of discovering who you are, you’ll soon realise just how formidable you truly are.
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As convincing as the condition can be don’t allow it to rob you of your potential and the greatness with which you were carefully crafted by The Almighty.
You may feel broken but building something significant can start from the most unlikely of places.
My own journey inspired me to show those also from troubled starting points how they can flip their script beginning from the pain and you are no exception.
If you want different, it’s time to move different — slowly, but with intention.
Become exactly who you’re meant to be and discover your purpose for yourself creating, building, and developing your own answers to life one small step at a time — because you can.
