Estimated Reading Time: 6 mins
Introduction
No one will ever criticise you, more than you’ll criticise yourself.
It’s just the way our human nature tends to work.
Have you ever had someone label you or express a negative opinion about something you’re doing?
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What I’d like to point out is that it’s not what they say that matters, but how you receive it — and whether you choose to accept it as fact.
People will always have something to say — those we know and those we don’t.
What they say, can only have an impact if we choose to accept the words spoken.
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Living With a Visible Difference
You may have already heard me speak about the challenges I faced during my school years.
I was born with a facial deformity known as Cleft Lip & Palate and throughout my childhood, I was called all sorts of names — “flat nose”, “bent lip”, “ugly”, to name a few.
Children are impressionable, so hearing these opinions repeatedly during my formative years had a profound effect on my self-esteem.
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As an adult, I had to do the necessary work to undo those negative labels.
No one expects a child to embark on a journey of self-growth and development — nor should they.
They deserve the freedom to enjoy their youth and innocence.
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That said, children don’t always have a say in their social environments.
The image shaming I experienced throughout my school life took hold, and I carried those opinions with me as if they were my own.
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Compliments That Made Me Pause
My socially influenced negative perception dominated my life for years.
One particular summer, I spent a lot of time with a friend I’d met two years earlier.
We were around eighteen at the time.
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As we made our way to town, she turned to me and asked why I liked to dress like a boy.
Her assumption wasn’t wrong.
I was never particularly ‘girly’, but more of a tomboy in appearance.
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Always dressed in trousers, baggy T-shirts, and head coverings, I learned to hide as much of myself as I could.
I was afraid to embrace my femininity because I believed the world when they told me I wasn’t pretty.
So, I acted accordingly, disqualifying myself from the opportunity to live in my true identity.
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Turning to my friend, I explained that I simply found this way of dressing more comfortable.
I didn’t dare share the real reason because I felt embarrassed — ashamed of the verbal abuse I had endured in the years before.
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My friend turned to me and said, “You’re so pretty — I don’t understand why you hide. You’ve got a lovely smile, amazing legs..” and she continued to reel off all these features.
There were so many wonderful things about me that she admired.
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She even said she wished she had what I had and naturally, I was taken aback.
We had taken a trip to Camden Town in North West London, moving from one store to the next as she dressed us both in various clothing.
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Trying different outfits and seeing myself reflected back revealed the subtle beginnings of a new perspective.
The more I leaned into self-acceptance, the more the parts of myself that had never truly been absent started to reveal themselves.
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Up until that point, my identity had been built around the harmful beliefs imposed by others, blinding me to who I really was.
However, a path soon emerged that would see me eventually break free from a cycle of self-criticism.
Saving what I could, I invested in building a new wardrobe collection to compliment my growing beliefs, and as I did, my confidence bloomed.
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New Patterns, New Perception
For years, I shortchanged myself because of what others had said about me.
Their words shaped my mindset, and I behaved in accordance with what I believed to be true at the time.
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This particular friend had unknowingly helped shift the lens through which I viewed myself, highlighting how impactful positive affirmations can be for our inner belief system.
As my self-perception improved, my confidence continued to grow, and I developed a strong sense of self over the years.
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Like most, I still have my insecurities, but the difference is that I choose to see the beauty.
I now hold this belief with conviction, and I no longer allow the opinions of others to shape how I view myself.
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Mindset That Colours Reality
Being the recipient of criticism or negative opinions, will always happen in life.
It’s impossible to eliminate every negative opinion, whether your own or someone else’s.
What matters most is how you process your thoughts and reactions.
If I claimed that water was luminous yellow, you’d correct me with certainty, because we can clearly see with our individual eyes that it’s not.
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The point I’m making is, we must be so grounded in our identity, our worth, and our abilities, that when others tell us otherwise, we dismiss it without hesitation.
We must believe without doubt, that anything said about us which doesn’t align with who we know ourselves to be, is simply untrue.
No one should know you better than you know yourself — aside God.
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It’s a process of strengthening your self-belief until it becomes immovable.
View it as you being your own music label, holding all the rights to the rhythm of your life.
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It’s easy to fall into the trap of self-criticism, especially if you’re anything like I once was — a perfectionist.
Whenever something fell even slightly outside my expectations, I would slip into self-deprecating thoughts, undermining my own mental wellbeing.
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Changing Our Inner Dialogue
It’s surprisingly easy to get in our own heads and become our own worst critics, which can lead to self-sabotage.
We can subconsciously adopt negative views to the point where we truly believe them.
However, the truth is that your conscious mind acts as the gatekeeper to your subconscious thoughts, shaping how you experience life.
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Whether we accept and internalise negativity is our responsibility.
We must consciously reject anything that doesn’t align with who we believe ourselves to be.
The opinions of others can cause harm, but only if we accept and apply them as though they are fact.
Never give anyone that much power over your life.
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If criticising ourselves can cause damage to our wellbeing, just imagine the life we can live if we choose to do the opposite — consistently.
Granted, self-analysis and critical thinking are crucial parts of the growth process, however, they should always be constructive.
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Summary
There’s no value in tearing down your ego.
Rather, we should always strive to build ourselves up.
If you make mistakes, learn from them.
When you fall, get back up.
Should you fail, find a way to win the next time round.
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You must consistently and diligently, show up for yourself.
These practices help build your self-confidence, so negative opinions have little to no impact.
Words can be powerful — if we choose to plant, water, and nurture them.
Grow the wheat, but always discard the chaff.
Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof – Proverbs 18:21
