Estimated Reading Time: 6 mins
(Please note – This blog post touches on abusive experiences and suicidal ideation so please read with caution).
Trauma Connections — Verbal Abuse
It’s not entirely certain as to why some women deal with PMDD.
One study carried out by the National Institutes of Health, touched on emotional trauma and more specifically childhood trauma — the article can be read here.
This particular insight caught my attention because I had experienced significant amounts of trauma throughout my life, from my childhood into my adult life.
I was born with a deformity known as Cleft Lip and Palate which you’ve likely noticed in my photos or videos and as such, my school life was a depressing experience.
I was constantly scorned, ridiculed and made fun of but not just at school. The ridicule I experienced also took place in other social environments.
This was my experience up until I was 18 years old and it didn’t cease entirely, it just became minimised as I grew into adulthood.
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Trauma Conections — Abandonment
As you might imagine, my self-esteem was shattered and for many years my self-confidence was non-existent.
I believed what others had said about me to be fact, and labelled myself in conjunction with their words. Their opinions became what I believed to be true about myself.
In addition to the troubles of my young life, my father was deported from the country when I was seven. I remember being fond of my father and having a close relationship with him up until he left.
He would take me along on his road trips and we’d always have a nice day out.
At home, however, his relationship with my mother was dangerously toxic. Despite that, he had a fondness for me, and I for him. Returning from school one day only to discover his abrupt departure broke my spirit.
No prior preparation, no goodbyes — just, gone. I was devastated and my world was crushed. I remember crying myself to sleep only to wake feeling empty, sad, and depressed. This should never have been the life of a 7-year-old.
It wasn’t until 18 years later when I had saved enough money to travel that we would be reunited.
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Trauma Connections — Single Parent Survival
Following my father’s departure, my mother took on the single parent role — never remarrying.
Life became a struggle as she tried to keep our heads above water. For the most part, we were drowning in small doses.
It was extremely difficult for my mother to sustain our livelihood on her own but somehow, she managed. To help make extra money aside all her small jobs, she resorted to renting out a bedroom to associates or friends.
I was later assaulted sexually by one such occupant. When my mother was at work, he’d use the opportunity to his advantage. I never told my family, because I strangely felt ashamed as though it was my fault. I was approximately nine years old.
It wasn’t until I was 30 that I finally shared the experience of my abuse with my mother. She was understandably distraught and upset that it had gone under her radar at the time.
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Trauma Connections — Grief
Fast forward some years and life’s catastrophes didn’t end. I lost most of my closest male family members with whom I’d grown a real closeness after my father’s departure.
My mother’s first cousin who also grew to be my favourite uncle at the time would come and stay with us time and again from Germany.
He’d take us to the park to fly kites and inspired my musical abilities being a professional musician himself. I loved spending time with him as his presence filled an emptiness within our home.
Somehow, he disappeared in my adulthood and despite our best efforts, we could never locate him. I felt upset, rejected, and abandoned all over again.
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We then lost my mother’s step brother followed by the loss of my maternal grandmother and my great uncle but the one that broke my fragile spirit, was my unofficially adopted brother.
He was 34 when he died in 2017. We had grown up together as siblings and I only ever knew him as such.
His came from an abusive background and found solace being with my family. Everyone in my life knew him and despite our four year age gap, we did a lot together — we were inseparable.
He was the one person who would make me feel like the world was blossoms and rainbows during PMDD days. If I told him I wanted to be alone, he’d turn up anyway with snacks and movie suggestions never taking no for an answer.
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He hated seeing me suffer from the condition, and would bombard me with his love and support. He was an inspiration and not just my brother but my best friend.
After his premature death, my PMDD episodes became more catastrophic than they’d ever been and suicidal ideation became more intense. This video short from 2018 is an accurate depiction of what my life looked like.
Life became a combination of the condition, grief, and long standing traumas.
I continued to spiral until I was at rock bottom.
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PMDD Vs Trauma
I’ve shared the above because if you also experience PMDD, it’s likely that your history may include unresolved or significant past trauma.
From my own life history, I can clearly see how trauma can contribute to why some women develop conditions like PMDD, a connection also recognised by the National Institutes of Health as mentioned earlier.
The majority of my childhood and young adult life was one traumatic event after another.
The symptoms I’d exhibit during PMDD, on reflection, I later noticed were the same symptoms I exhibited from my childhood — sadness, depression, anxiety, severe fatigue, severe food cravings, hopelessness, feeling down, suicidal ideation and the like.
I’m of the belief that these emotions had become ‘learned behaviours’ and later, my body’s autopilot defence system manifested as PMDD to every and any threat including the internal kind — hormone changes.
If the condition is a result of extra brain sensitivity to a change in hormones, I now understand why PMDD has featured in my life in the way that it has.
I’ve always been an emotionally sensitive and heightened individual, shaped by my early life experiences. I learnt to expect the worst and was always on edge.
Consequently, my brain would react quickly and aggressively to any changes which is where I believe PMDD came in.
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I needed to address the root of my trauma to manage PMDD more effectively and change how I saw both life and myself.
My first step was beginning therapy.
Once I acknowledged and began dealing with my past, I noticed a significant change in how PMDD was affecting me. I needed to truly release the trauma and step out of the victim mindset.
After tackling that initial groundwork, I could begin the application of changing my thought process, rebuilding my mental strength, and intentionally directing the way I handled life overall.
I’ve published a two part video series in conjunction with this topic ‘Why does PMDD happen’. The link to part one is here and the link to part two, here.
The knowledge we learn is truly powerful, once we apply it.
