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A Discovered Reality
Impulse buying became a habit I struggled with far too often. I didn’t really notice it at the time when the condition controlled me to a severe degree.
In my mind, I was making such purchases for various but equally valid reasons. I wanted things that would help me ‘feel’ better.
As an example, body dysmorphia would overwhelm me during my bad weeks so to help boost my ego I chose to ‘treat myself’.
On other occasions, it was unhealthy takeaways due to the extreme cravings I’d experience, or it’d be clothes I didn’t need, and in more serious cases, it was a holiday I couldn’t afford.
Either way, I struggled to fight the impulses each month and eventually my finances took a big hit as a result.
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I started out with good credit but fell prey to endless credit card offers, which saw me slowly spiral into an endless cycle of debt. I felt it important to share this side of the condition because although this aspect of my life with PMDD was many years ago, I’m still working to restore the damage done today.
If you’ve managed to avoid this predicament, I’m hoping my shared experience prevents you from ever finding yourself in this situation.
If however you’ve been a financial victim of the condition like I was, know that you are not an anomaly and it’s possible to work towards repairing any damage done.
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Where it Began
Let me take things back to where it began.
I went to see my GP about my concerns following my own self-diagnosis in 2014. I was prescribed with various anti-depressant like medications over a period — being initially misdiagnosed.
Eventually, after some persistence, I was referred to a gynaecologist and formally diagnosed after which, they trialled me on different methods of relief.
The condition, however, didn’t get any easier as many of the medications i.e. various contraceptive pills etc, made my condition worse.
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I was advised to stick with each method for up to 6 months at a time, which helps explain why PMDD continued to affect me so greatly, even after formal diagnosis.
As we know, PMDD can include symptoms like depression, anxiety, self-critical thoughts, tearfulness, hopelessness, sadness, food cravings, severe fatigue, insomnia, hypersomnia, and the like.
My spending habits were merely a reactive effect of my symptoms.
Body dysmorphia would especially affect me during bad weeks, and anything I could do to help myself feel better, I did without much thought.
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During my normal weeks, I felt completely comfortable and confident in my own skin — flaws and all.
At the onset of PMDD however, although nothing would have changed, my perception of self would become greatly distorted.
I’d look in the mirror and see all these issues that were previously non-existent.
A cycle of self-criticism would take place each month and whilst I was busy professing how awful I looked, I’d buy the worst types of food to help me feel better.
This went on for years.
For a long time the only remedies I knew, were to give in to my food cravings and buy things I thought would help me feel better like clothes, new hair and skin products — and I did so on credit.
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Illusional Remedy
Slowly, I found myself plummeting into more and more financial difficulty.
What made things worse is each month, I’d review my previous spending and suffer terribly for it — because emotionally, I felt like a complete failure.
The regret I felt would later be compounded by PMDD depression which then led me to buy more as a means of helping me to manage the overwhelm of emotions.
Ultimately however, it became a self-destructive period of my life.
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By now, it should be clear to decipher how easy it was for my finances to go wayward.
My only saving grace was that despite the emotional spending during those years, I was always extremely disciplined at managing my repayments.
That said, I can acknowledge that there may be women like me who have also experienced such reactive spending habits with barely any means to repay.
In those instances, it’s best to speak with the relative lender to arrange what you can and slowly over time, work your way back up to a better place.
At the very least, it’s best to avoid making matters worse.
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Repercussions
Getting myself into debt caused me to feel ashamed.
I felt like I had no self-discipline, was less than capable and if I got into a relationship, eventually we’d have to discuss finances — how would I explain my situation?
These thoughts prevented me from dating for some time — what a horrible way to live.
It all came down to the fact that I was allowing the condition to dictate my life, yielding to all the negative emotions, and losing myself and my grip of discipline in the process.
Advice I always give to everyone not just women with the condition is to avoid making decisions as a reaction to heightened negative emotions. It only causes regret and guilt is an emotion that can slowly eat at one’s self-esteem.
The condition has taught me a great deal, but most notably about the delayed effects that reactive actions can have on me later.
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Renewed Perception
Once I began my journey of self-development and improvement, I would keep the following at the forefront of my mind.
If I feel down, I don’t need a new product to help me feel better. If I’m craving junk food, I remind myself that those foods only provide short-term gratification but can have long-term effects.
If I don’t feel like I look good, buying a new expensive wig isn’t going to change much because nothing about me has changed.
Most importantly, the only thing that truly shifts during PMDD days are the way I see things.
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I started to replace the negative emotional reactions with positive actions.
Rather than spending money I didn’t have on things I didn’t need, I learnt to utilise what I already had to my benefit.
I started to revamp existing wigs as an alternative to purchasing new ones. I would watch something comical or inspiring to lift my mood.
I did 45-minute home workouts to help increase my endorphin levels, which in turn helped mitigate the negative emotions that had previously led me to spend recklessly.
I found positive outlets for the negative emotions, and I’d do this every month whether I felt like it or not.
The principle was, good habits will always produce good results, so do them. Especially, when you don’t want to.
These positive reactions became habits over time — habits I still implement today.
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Final Reflections
Your finances may not be where you want them to be. You may have gotten yourself into serious financial hardship like I once did.
I encourage you firstly to forgive yourself because in order to start making progress, it’s expedient to release yourself from guilt.
As women with PMDD, we should not persecute ourselves for the life-altering mistakes we make as a result of the condition, but we can certainly learn from them.
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The condition can feel impossible to manage for the most part, but punishing yourself over past choices only makes matters worse — now, and in the future.
It’s time to move on, proactively.
Like me, there may be necessary ongoing repair needed stemming from past decisions.
What matters presently, is how you deal with things moving forward. Take the time to devise a real plan to better manage your finances.
Do whatever research is necessary to help you put plans in place so you can start turning things around.
If you’re single and worried about dating, don’t be. Someone that loves you for you will accept every part of you and most people won’t care about your past (especially if you’re actively working towards better).
Don’t hold yourself mentally hostage.
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Experiencing financial difficulty does not imply that it’s the end of the world even though it can feel like it with PMDD.
Start implementing positive outlets on those negative emotions as I mentioned earlier.
The actions you take may not feel beneficial at the time, but in future when you’re looking back, you’ll take pride knowing you were consistently practicing habits to improve your life.
Actively focus and work on the path ahead that you wish to see and leave the past where it belongs.
