Estimated Reading Time: 7 mins
Addiction Was a 'Way Out'
I had a period in life where I became gravely addicted to smoking marijuana.
Some may argue it’s not the worst drug in existence, but when you’ve never engaged in substances, perspective will vary.
When I began, I was approximately aged 30.
I had lost my unofficially adopted brother with whom I had an extremely close relationship. In addition, my wellbeing was under constant threat due to my condition PMDD.
My brother was the only person I’d confide in when experiencing the worst of my symptoms. He could make me smile and laugh when happiness felt impossible.
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When he died, I was broken. I had to bear the emotional gravity of his loss and the ongoing symptoms of my condition — without him.
It all drove me to seek relief and that relief was marijuana. I tried convincing myself that my use was temporary.
Eventually however, I became enslaved to the habit. It went from being a short-term remedy to controlling my life in its entirety.
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I was smoking constantly, spending money I didn’t have to feed my addiction which worsened my finances.
Aside from work, I was barely able to function. I’d lay in my sofa constantly high, unable to muster the energy to accomplish anything productive.
Despite feeling like I was escaping my problems, the truth was, I was making them a lot worse.
My poor mental state contributed to toxic relationships, self-imposed isolation, and a serious lack of interest in life itself.
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The Making of My Catalyst
My downward spiral continued to snowball and on one particular occasion I’d overdone it.
I had far exceeded my usual levels of herbal intoxication, slipping into the deepest, darkest fantasy of self-sabotage I’d ever encountered.
As I sat in the ‘passenger seat’ of my mental setup, like a lamb to the slaughter, something else seemed to take control of my entire state of being.
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My spirit battled the compulsive urges I had to grab a knife. Outwardly, I wanted to die, but inwardly my spirit being wanted to live.
I was now asking God to save me from myself.
Despite how horrific it was for me at the time, this experience became pivotal. It was the shock to my system I needed — my life’s catalyst.
Viewing the tragedy that my life had now become provoked a shift in my perspective.
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Deeper Than the Surface
In hindsight, the issue wasn’t the marijuana. The real problems were the unresolved wounds at my core that subconsciously shaped my way of thinking, my choices, and ultimately my life.
I carried unresolved childhood traumas, untreated pain and rejection, self-loathing, and resentment — all compounded by a condition that ran riot.
I had been using the temporal highs of marijuana as a means of escape.
Once my life reached that breaking point, I knew I needed to make a decision or life would make one for me.
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I began rebuilding again from my foundation, finally addressing the pain I had long kept silent — experiences I had done everything to avoid remembering.
By combining prayer and therapy with a renewed perspective of faith and productive action, I soon began reestablishing a healthier mental baseline on which I would cultivate the better me.
It’s not substance misuse, people’s words, or the conditions of our environment that mentally enslave us.
Our experiences of such contributory elements is a symptom of something deeper.
The lingering emotional traumas we hold whether consciously or unconsciously, will drive the way we view each instance of life, determining the capability of our reaction management.
As a result, directing our thinking and perspective productively, although not impossible, just becomes more challenging.
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Renew to Rebuild
An unprotected state of mind leaves us vulnerable and open to being controlled in our way of thinking by external sources which can then shape our lives by default.
To better control our mental state, we can’t neglect our internal state of being from which the foundation of our perspective is formed.
It’s the process of learning to rebuild from the root.
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Our memories of traumatic events are unlikely to ever disappear completely.
Our aim, however, is to significantly minimise the impact that past events have on present day life — and it requires the type of work that will maximise your ‘being-ness’.
In doing the work needed to be better than we’ve been being, we’ll become stronger, build resilience, and feed our faith. Most importantly, however, we must work on renewing our mind.
Romans 12:2 states:
And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.
To function in the perfection for which God created us to function we must do away with the influence of the world and lean on His principles for more prosperous kingdom living.
The devil’s aim has been to keep our focus on lies that sound or appear like the truth.
The lies people say about who they think we are or should be, the lying detrimental influences of the world, and the lies of past experiences we used to form unhealthy beliefs about ourselves.
It’s time to move away from everything that produces the opposite of what God desires for us — to renew our way of thinking, behaving, and living.
What we continuously believe and act on to be true will become more important than what is currently true to our physical eyes, greatly influencing what will be true in our future.
