Estimated Reading Time: 11 Mins
Introduction
Own it like you mean it.
You may be wondering what I mean, and I’ll explain shortly but first, let me tell you a story.
On one particular Sunday, my YouTube video was published as scheduled.
I had covered a topic I don’t talk about often – dating.
It was a review of someone else’s message, and while I won’t go into detail here, you can watch the full footage here if you’re interested.
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The video began to pick up some traction, and as expected, it gained a few comments.
But one in particular stood out.
You won’t find it under the video now, as I’ve since deleted the comment and removed the user from my channel.
However, I still wanted to share what was said, as it provides useful context for this post.
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The Voice Within vs The Noise Around
The comment read as follows:
‘You have a cleft lip and palate. Maybe you should get the residual deformity fixed.’
This comment might disappoint you, but honestly, it’s nothing I haven’t heard before.
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To state the obvious, the comment wasn’t constructive in any capacity, for several reasons:
· I’m fully aware of my own deformity.
· This person doesn’t know me personally and therefore isn’t in a position to comment on something that could be considered sensitive — there was no kindness in the intent.
· It was entirely unrelated to the actual content of the video.
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We all know that these types of individuals exist.
I was always aware that putting myself in the spotlight would be likely to make me an easy target, so to speak.
In fact, the likelihood of receiving comments like this was a major contributor in why I delayed starting my channel for eight years.
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Today, and somewhat ironically, I find myself frustrated that I didn’t start sooner.
What I later found was that the fear of what others might say was never the real barrier.
It was the negative narrative I kept feeding my own insecurities.
My own beliefs about myself dictated my expectations and influenced my outcomes as a result.
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You Are Your First Line of Protection
People will always have their opinions, but I later discovered that what I think of myself, is what really matters.
I used to view my cleft lip and palate as something tragic.
As though I was never meant to feel or be seen as beautiful — and that mindset controlled my life for many years.
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The insults and disrespect I was subjected to were incomparable to the damage I inflicted on myself.
I found myself trapped in a cycle of self-loathing resulting from my own beliefs and thoughts.
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The distasteful opinions of others reinforced my own destructive thought patterns.
I began to see their views as confirmation that I was right to despise my appearance.
Once I learned to love myself, however, the negative opinions of others became increasingly meaningless.
People may say what they want, but nothing will ever be more powerful than what we believe to be true about ourselves.
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Master Your Inner Narrative & Build Resilience
When people exhibit attitudes like that of the individual mentioned, it’s usually a deflection from their own state of internal unhappiness.
It’s not our responsibility to minimise who we are for the gratification of others, so they feel better about themselves.
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The deformity I was born with will never disappear.
I can either choose to resent it for the rest of my life or learn to embrace it as a feature that makes me distinctively unique.
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Over time I’ve worked on my self-belief and confidence and my perspective has shifted.
I may have this deformity, but I’ve learned to embrace it.
It’s part of who I am and if some people don’t like it, they’re free to look away.
Ultimately, I won’t be going anywhere anytime soon.
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I’ve openly shared videos about my deformity across my platforms.
It’s something I would have avoided at all costs in the past, yet now I do it not only to educate some, but more importantly, to inspire many.
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Every one of us has something we feel could use a little improvement, it’s simply human nature.
The way we define beauty in our own lives, should always be directed by us — and in a way that serves us productively.
No one else can do it on our behalf.
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Moreover, we should never rely on the compliments of others (however kind they may be) because human temperament can change very quickly.
And so too can their opinions.
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What We Accept Shapes Reality
If we lack confidence in ourselves, it’s like presenting a blank canvas for others to project their own design onto.
The less confidence we have within, the more space we leave for others to ‘fill in the blanks’.
As a result, our confidence or lack thereof, simply becomes a reflection of what others impose.
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When we build our confidence, however, we begin to fill that canvas ourselves.
As our self-esteem strengthens, the blank spaces disappear, leaving little room for the opinions of others.
What we believe now forms our core values from within and can’t easily be manipulated.
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If I had absorbed the insults directed at me, their deflections from their own insecurities would have stunted my growth, development and ultimately, my potential.
No one should ever have that level of power over another.
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We can’t allow others to distort how we see ourselves or dictate who we can become or what we can do.
Our appearance is ours for life.
We might as well own it unapologetically, and we should never allow anyone to influence us into feeling otherwise.
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Belief, Response, Result.
Perfection doesn’t exist.
Those who tirelessly seek such a phenomenon can end up exhausted and less well off financially, leading to unhappiness.
It’s often disheartening to witness.
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Imagine for a moment if I had taken those negative comments to heart and decided to undergo further reconstructive surgery.
This is despite having already been through seven procedures across my lifetime.
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What if complications arose, leaving me visually worse off than before?
Now, I would be left more unhappy than before.
I might even find myself stepping away from my aspirations altogether — all because of someone else’s fleeting opinion.
Someone I didn’t even know.
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This may sound far-fetched, but it can just as easily become reality.
While watching ‘Botched’, I noticed that many patients had faced similar situations to some degree.
Their pursuit of perfection had only led to further pain and deeper insecurities, leaving these acclaimed surgeons as their last hope.
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The point I’m making is that we should channel our energy into becoming the best version of ourselves.
That means working with what we already have and using it to our benefit.
Invest time, care, and appreciation into who you are because there’s only something ‘wrong’, if you choose to see it that way.
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For the things you’re not particularly fond of but have the power to improve, such as being out of shape, start making small changes.
These will help you move toward where you want to be.
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At the very least, the investment you make can place you in a better position than where you began.
If however, you have something like a deformity or a visible disability that cannot be changed, then we must learn to embrace it so we can develop inner peace.
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Summary
In case you’re wondering why I deleted the comment and removed the user from my channel, rather than reacting with a rebuttal, the answer is quite simple.
I choose where I direct my energy, and spending it on individuals who mean me harm is for me, counterproductive.
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Protecting our peace and focus should always be our top priority.
We must never allow anyone to draw us out of our character or dictate how we behave.
Although we can’t control what others say, we can always control how we respond.
Part of our responsibility to ourselves is to never hand that power over to anyone else.
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I chose to take inspiration from this situation and use that energy in creating something productive.
That’s how I respond.
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So, if there’s anything I want you to take away from this post, it’s these four things:
· You are what you believe — not what others say about you.
· Working on yourself builds self-confidence and self-belief, so get started.
· Anything you can’t change, learn to embrace. If others don’t accept it, that’s their issue not yours — never apologise for your existence.
· You are God’s creation, so be unapologetic in your authenticity — flaws and all.
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I’m at peace with who I am and how I look, and I continue to do the work to maintain what I’ve achieved and grow in my elevation.
And you can too, because you are enough.
Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect; and in thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned Psalm 139:16
