Why Does PMDD happen? One Perspective

A woman in deep thought image by wavebreakmedia_micro-on-freepik

Estimated Reading Time: 6 mins

(Please note – This blog post touches on abusive experiences and suicidal ideation so please read with caution).

It’s not entirely certain as to why some women deal with PMDD. One study carried out by the National Institutes of Health, touched on emotional trauma and more specifically childhood trauma. The article can be read here.

This particular insight caught my attention because I had experienced significant amounts of trauma throughout my life, right from my childhood into my adult life.

I was born with a deformity known as Cleft Lip and Palate which you’ve likely noticed in my photos and videos. This deformity meant a depressive school life for me.

I was constantly scorned, ridiculed and made fun of. I was experiencing this at school and externally in other social environments. I could be out with family or friends and other children would press on their nose, or their lip to imitate the way I looked.

This was my childhood experience up until I was approximately 17 years old and it didn’t cease, it just minimised as I grew into adulthood.

Image by gpointstudio/freepik

As you might imagine, my self-esteem took a huge blow and my self-confidence was non-existent for a long time.

I took what others had said about me as fact, and labelled myself in conjunction with their words. Their opinions became what I believed to be true about myself. I’ve shared a video about this here.

During my school life, my father was deported from the country when I was 7 years old. I remember being very fond of my father and having a close relationship up until he left.

He would take me along on his road trips even though his relationship with my mum was broken. He had a fondness for me, and I for him. You can imagine how I felt returning from school one day, and being told he was gone.

No prior preparation, no goodbyes. He was just, gone. I was devastated, my world was crushed. I cried so much, I eventually cried myself to sleep only to wake feeling empty, sad and depressed in the morning. This shouldn’t be the life of a 7 year old. It wasn’t until 18 years later, when I had saved enough money myself, that we would finally be reunited.

Image by freepik

Following my father’s departure, my mother took on the single parent role – she never remarried. Life became a struggle, and we were scraping head above water. For the most part, we were drowning in small doses. It was difficult for my mother to sustain our livelihood on her own but somehow, she managed.

She would eventually resort to renting out a bedroom to associates or friends, in addition to working. I remember being sexually assaulted by one particular gent during this time. When my mother was at work, he’d use the opportunity to his advantage. I never told my family, I felt ashamed. I was 8 years old.

It wasn’t until I was 30, that I finally sat my mother down. She was distraught and upset that I never mentioned it at the time. That experience, made me more empathetic to women who endure assault and keep silent. An experience like that eats away at you. The shame you feel can be truly overwhelming and to one’s detriment when the fault lies only with the perpetrator.

Image by freepik

Fast forward some years and life’s catastrophes didn’t end. I lost several male family members. I’d grown a real closeness with each one specifically after my father’s departure.

Uncle B, my mother’s cousin would come and stay with us time and again from Germany. He’d take us to the park to fly kites and taught us music as he was a professional instrumentalist. I loved spending time with him. His presence filled an emptiness within our home.

Somehow, he disappeared in my adulthood and despite our best efforts reaching out to his immediate family, we’ve never found him. It became apparent over time, he did not want to be contacted. I felt upset, rejected and abandoned all over again. Another father figure, gone. 

The tragedy’s and trauma continued. Uncle F, my mother’s step-brother and his mother, my step-grandmother, came to live with us for some years. We grew extremely close. My step grandmother passed away and my uncle travelled and unfortunately passed away soon after.

Image by freepik

My great uncle on my maternal grandmother’s side came to live with me during the covid pandemic. He had been in my life since I was a child. He always worked near my schools so I’d seen him regularly for years.

As I grew older, I’d still visit him and he us. We lost him to cancer. He never told anyone about his condition so his death, needless to say, was untimely and took us completely by surprise.

The most difficult loss and the one that broke my fragile spirit, was my unofficially adopted brother. He was 34 when he died in 2017. We had grown up together and I only ever knew him as my brother.

His came from an abusive background and so found solace being with my family. Everyone in my life knew him and how close we all were.  Despite our four year age gap, we did a lot together. We were inseparable. 

Image by wayhomestudio/freepik

He was the one person who would make me feel like the world was blossoms and rainbows during my PMDD weeks. He’d make me belly laugh until I was in tears. If I told him I wanted to be alone, he’d turn up anyway with snacks and movie suggestions. He wouldn’t take no for an answer.

He hated seeing me suffer from the condition, and would bombard me with his love and support every month. He was very ambitious and was making steps to becoming financially free. He aspired to give my mum the dream home she always wanted. He was an inspiration, not just my brother but my best friend. 

After his premature death, my PMDD became catastrophic and the suicidal ideations became more intense. The video short I posted from 2018 on my YouTube channel, is a true depiction of how life was for me back then.

I had hit rock bottom. Life became a combination of the condition, grief and life long emotional traumas and I continued to spiral.

Image by freepik

I agree with the hypothesis put forward by the National Institutes of Health. From my own life history, I strongly believe trauma can be a large contributor to why a woman may develop a condition like PMDD.

All I could remember for the majority of my childhood and adult life was traumatic event after traumatic event. The symptoms I’d exhibit during PMDD, on reflection, I later noticed were the same symptoms I exhibited from my childhood.

During PMDD weeks, I’m up against sadness, depression, anxiety, severe fatigue, severe food cravings, hopelessness, feeling down, suicidal ideation and the like.

During my childhood, I dealt with the exact same emotions. I’m of the belief that these emotions had become ‘learned behaviours’. If the condition is a result of extra brain sensitivity to the change in hormones, I now understand why PMDD has had such a feature in my life.

I’ve always been an emotionally heightened and sensitive person due to my early life. I’d learnt to expect the worst and was always prepared to suffer emotionally. My brain would react quickly and excessively to changes as a result.

I needed to get to the root cause of the condition so I could deal with it effectively, change my outlook on the condition and consequently, the way in which it affects me. My first step was beginning therapy.

Image by freepik

Having this understanding, is why I concentrate on the retraining of the brain particularly within my ‘Mind’ blog posts and across my social media platforms. 

For example, doing the opposite of what you feel, until how you feel follows what you’re doing. Putting it into practice, is why I’m convinced your mind state will influence your physical state and environment.

I’ve noticed a major change with how PMDD affects me once I acknowledged and begun dealing with my past. I needed to truly release the trauma and step out of the victim mindset. 

Once I tackled the groundwork, I could begin the application of changing my thought process, building my mental strength and intentionally direct the way I handle life overall.

I’ve published a two part video series in conjunction with this topic ‘Why does PMDD happen’. The link to part one is here and the link to part two, here.

The knowledge we learn is truly powerful, once we apply it.