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When it comes to the working life, this was probably one of the toughest areas to navigate in conjunction with the condition.
In the periods when I feel like my normal self, I’m super energetic, productive, creative, confident and very efficient. During the PMDD weeks however, I felt like I would lose that sense of self and become excessively introverted.
Doing anything in groups, or having to take lead or apply assertiveness for instance, would become particularly difficult – thanks to the heightened anxiety. During the good weeks however, there was no issue. It would both baffle and frustrate me.
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High levels of stressful work can be uncomfortable for anyone. For those of us with PMDD, it’s particularly difficult and can increase the intensity of the negative emotions we’re experiencing at the time.
In my own experience, this struggle made me feel like a failure or that I wasn’t capable. I’d be circulating every negative thought in my mind, “why did I apply for this job, why did they hire me, why can’t I just be normal”. The mental torture would continue and my effectiveness at work would continue to take hits.
One thing I’ve always been pretty good at however, is putting on a brave face – although this would get me through the difficult weeks, it would also take it’s toll on me.
When a person is experiencing severe emotional difficulty and they have to live life like nothings wrong, it chips away at them and makes them feel worse especially in an environment filled with other people.
At least, when you’re by yourself, you can release the emotions without fear of judgement, and this is why working from home roles became better suited for me.
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I am grateful that most work places (at least in the UK), take a positive stance on wellbeing and mindfulness. And rightly so as many people are living unhappy lives thanks to the pressures of financial commitments and the current economic climate in general.
Albeit exhilarating that mental wellbeing is championed across a lot of the UK workforce, it doesn’t take away from the fact, most people still don’t want their mental struggles out on ‘front street’. It’s an internal battle that so many of us experience.
If I show that side of myself what will people think, will it put my job at risk, will I make myself vulnerable. These are a few of the questions that I myself faced when it came to my condition. I was fearful of the reactions I might receive, so I kept my mouth shut for years and just carried on applying the brave face.
I had bills that needed to be paid and the thought of jeopardising my finances would impact the PMDD induced anxiety and so I just carried on ‘as normal’.
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There’s something I realised later however, there’s actually strength in what we perceive as weakness. In two previous places of employment I worked in, I was in the process of managing my condition more effectively and I took pride in the steps I’d been taking.
At the same time, I also realised that by voicing myself I could actually raise awareness for those who had no knowledge of the condition. I could indirectly be a voice for other women who may have been thinking the way I use to think.
When I initially applied for the first of these two jobs, I noted my PMDD condition on the application and did the same at second job some years later. This was something I’d avoided in the past.
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Later, whilst there, I found windows of opportunity to explain the condition to work colleagues. For instance, if we were discussing wellbeing issues or we attended related workshops, I would share about the condition. I noticed that barely anyone had heard of it.
I could see some fellow female colleagues listening intently, perhaps wondering if this was the answer to what they were searching for. Or they may have just genuinely been intrigued.
It didn’t stop there – I managed to share the condition with third party organisations we worked closely with. Some of whom follow my YouTube channel to this day.
In the second employment position (noted earlier), I took things a step further and was given the opportunity to join a work podcast focusing on women’s health. I was invited to speak about the condition which I did, taking the opportunity to raise more awareness within the organisation.
This prompted intrigue and also inspired others, some of who would reach out to me directly to find out more. When I look back in hindsight, if I had kept my condition quiet, I would never have been able to spread awareness the way I did.
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For a long time (bringing it back to PMDD’s effects), I found it difficult to stick at one workplace. I’d wrongly end employment because things felt so overwhelming. Those feelings and decisions were made during my PMDD weeks.
There’s something I advise in many of my videos. Never make big decisions in the period that you’re experiencing the condition. It’s likely to be emotionally based which you may end up regretting later like I did time and again. I’ve shared my experience in this particular video here.
Career goals can be especially challenging for those of us who have the condition because of the weeks when we don’t feel like ourselves. I had so many career aspirations brought to a halt because I really struggled with going from my normal confident self, to losing that sense of self when the PMDD would hit.
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For me, I was just desperately trying to get through each month. My career aspirations took a back seat.
Now however, because of the process I go through daily of training my thoughts, I truly believe the sky is the limit. Rather than thinking about what I haven’t achieved, I think about what I have.
I stopped job hopping and maintained my most recent roles for years at a time. I told myself it was OK to just be comfortable in a role because for someone with this condition, that was an achievement in itself.
I really push myself today but at the time, it was about making life more accommodating whilst I worked on improving my state with PMDD. As things progressed, and life improved, I launched my YouTube channel using my own life to support others through theirs. In all the suffering, I found my life’s calling.
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Work doesn’t need to be daunting, and you don’t necessarily need to go on a preaching spree like I eventually did. You do however, need to look out for yourself. Never struggle in silence.
If you’re finding work difficult during the bad weeks, speak to someone at your workplace in confidence. Preferably your manager and if you have one, a wellbeing champion. It should go without saying, but don’t forget to request they keep your conversation confidential.
Send them this blog if it’ll help. Sometimes, when people hear the same message from a different source, it can help support what you say. You should be supported in your role in the best way possible. A lot of the time, if we don’t ask we don’t get – remember, no one knows what you’re experiencing, unless you tell them.
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Speaking out at work was the best thing I did. It helped me gain the support I needed.
I’ll leave you with this last thought, whatever it is that you do, do not suffer alone. I say this from my own experience because all it did for me, was make matters worse. Support is available if you seek it so don’t be afraid to have a voice when it comes to your wellbeing.
