Estimated Reading Time: 14 mins
Introduction
Living with PMDD can feel like you’re continuously bouncing between two versions of yourself.
Do I have a split personality?
Or perhaps it’s dissociative identity dis-order, bipolar, or obsessive-compulsive disorder?
Prior to formal diagnosis, many of us will have hit the search engines, frantically trying to build a picture to figure out what’s going on — myself included.
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The cyclical nature of PMDD means for a certain period each month you don’t feel like yourself — at all.
It’s why many of us may have assumed we were dealing with one of the previous mentioned disorders, because it can certainly feel that way.
The changes in our mental and physical state, however, are directly linked to the hormonal changes we experience during the luteal phase of our menstrual cycle.
Women with PMDD have extra brain sensitivity to such changes.
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This then manifests as dramatic changes in mood, alongside physical discomforts that can vary from one woman to another.
But today, I won’t cover details of the condition itself although I have provided more information here.
So, allow me to share my experience in dealing with the PMDD version of myself — the good, the bad, and the ugly.
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My PMDD Alter-Ego
If you’ve come to know me through my various channels, this post might sound as though I’m yielding to the potency of PMDD by creating an alter-ego persona.
In reality, it’s quite the opposite.
This is my way of deliberately reclaiming power and control from the condition — and as you read on, that will become clearer.
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PMDD Me Vs The Real Me
Annie, the actual me is hard working, committed, patient, caring, kind, funny, intentional, and loyal.
If I didn’t have PMDD, this is the version of me you could expect to show up every time — the most authentic me.
Anita however, is my PMDD alter-ego.
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My alter-ego still possesses the traits of Annie, however, she comes with unpleasant added extras that can seemingly overwhelm the usual traits Annie would typically exude.
Anita can have quite the temper, is more emotionally sensitive, vulnerable, impressionable, and she can be direct, sharp, and socially awkward.
She is highly impatient, and cannot tolerate stupidity or naivety of any kind.
There’s also a tendency towards overindulging in things that offer temporary gratification, even when they may ultimately cause more harm than good, alongside a greater susceptibility to fatigue from tasks that Annie easily manages.
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Anita experiences strong feelings of overwhelm, moves at a slower pace, shows less enthusiasm for things that would bring Annie joy, and often processes constructive criticism in a more destructive manner.
She’s an overthinker and likes things a particular way — if they’re not, she experiences a higher level of frustration.
Interestingly enough, there’s also a compelling need for tranquil, quiet environments.
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Despite all she comes with, Annie does her best to support Anita whenever she shows up.
Annie will remind her of her abilities, achievements, and the things in her life that matter, encouraging her to maintain her disciplines despite the overwhelm of intense emotions.
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Anita’s impatience can lead to frustration when she feels unable to keep pace in the way Annie can, but she’s gently reminded to show herself grace and to take rest breaks when needed.
The encouragement that follows is to avoid taking things personally, to keep unhelpful opinions to herself, and to resist acting on impulse — rather, she’s reminded to focus on things that make her smile.
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Pursued Improvement
My authentic self — Annie, the woman I am today, and who I’ve worked on for years has become the support system for Anita, that she previously couldn’t be for herself.
So yes, I still experience PMDD each month, but the way in which I respond to PMDD has changed because of an improved lifestyle that has become a daily practice.
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Living with PMDD can feel like being dealt a particularly unfair hand in this game called life.
However, we have the power to dictate what life looks like despite the harsh reality of our conditions.
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If you’re familiar with the condition, you may have noticed in describing my alter ego, that I didn’t make mention of certain symptoms.
Depression, anxiety, suicidal thinking, and the like — and there’s a reason for that.
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The lifestyle I live and the work I do on myself has greatly minimised my experience of these specific symptoms.
Things still get tough in the final days leading up to my bleed, but previously, my entire two weeks were a monthly-rolling horror movie.
So why do these symptoms feel far less significant now than they did in the past — what changed?
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It’s been the daily investment I’ve made and continue to make to my lifestyle.
In the spirit of transparency, I’ll also be honest and say that it hasn’t at all been easy — but it’s been necessary.
Maintaining an optimistic mindset has required faith, action, and an unwillingness to give up on myself.
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Choosing to Rebuild
One of the first things I tried, back in 2015 when I felt constantly defeated by the condition, was eliminating certain foods from my diet.
I was convinced at the time that there was a direct link, and although food was a contributing factor, food wasn’t the main culprit I thought it was.
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My ongoing battle with PMDD, combined with a series of worsening life events, eventually pushed me to seek meaningful change in 2019.
From that point on, I worked consistently to make changes that would improve my condition.
What started with food, evolved into all aspects of my life.
It led to physical activity, mindset shifts, addressing past traumas, re-evaluating friendship circles, personal aspirations, and most importantly, taking my faith in Christ more seriously.
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Most of my time is spent working on these areas of my life, and as a result, I’ve become happier ‘from my core’.
When PMDD arrives, because I’m more centred and fulfilled from within, I no longer experience the worst of the symptoms across the full 14 days that it lasts for.
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Although I can’t say I’m fully healed from PMDD, I’ve certainly gotten better as I continue my process of growth and healing.
I read helpful books and spend time in prayer and scripture daily, continually reinforcing my spirit and empowering my mind.
It’s my way of equipping Annie with the tools necessary to support and manage Anita each month.
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The Benefits of Change
Because of my practices and disciplines, I’ve learnt to convert anxiety into productive energy, using it to my benefit during PMDD days.
Anxiety brings with it a ‘fight or flight’ response and a constant sense of being on edge, which I consciously redirect into getting as much work done as possible.
For example, I may use it to do a spring clean for a few hours or expel it through an intense gym workout.
I may even sit down and write a blog post or plan and film some visual content.
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Annie has improved in herself and has therefore become Anita’s hero.
By investing in Annie, I’ve been able to develop an inner strength that allows me to carry my PMDD alter-ego each month.
Rather than working against each other, the two now work together towards the same goals.
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They definitely work and operate in different ways, but by allowing my authentic self to lead, I’m able to remain steady, be more level-headed and more consistent in my behaviours.
Annie is able to do what Anita can’t, and through her strengthened ability to supervise, Anita is no longer able to take complete control or throw everything into chaos.
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Reflecting
Many years ago, Anita ran everything — and for want of better words, my life was in complete disarray.
Every PMDD cycle was a nightmare manifested in my reality.
Depression, severe anxiety, over-eating, weight gain, insomnia, severe fatigue, fear, insecurity, social anxiety, hopelessness, impulsive spending, self-criticism, suicidal thinking, body dysmorphia, impulsive reactions, you name it — that was my life.
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Life became so bad that even on my ‘better’ days, I was experiencing symptoms of PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder).
This was caused by the residual effects of emotionally charged choices I’d made during the bad phases — the fallout would send me into a cycle of poor mental health overall.
Eventually, once I found I was trying to dissuade myself against ending my own life, I spoke to a health professional and was put on Sertraline — an anti-depressant.
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Knowing how I operate now, it’s almost impossible for me to believe this used to be my life, but it’s taken and still takes a lot of work.
The point I’m making is, due to the self-development work I’ve done, I handle PMDD much more tactfully than my past.
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On most days, it feels unfair that I ever developed this condition in the first place.
The process I go through to manage it as effectively as possible, however, has made me realise the power of my uniqueness — and you are too.
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To face a mentally debilitating condition on a repetitive basis, and to somehow keep moving forward with life deserves nothing but respect and admiration.
Whether you’ve got the condition under control, or you’re experiencing the worst of it, you’re a special individual because most people will never know exactly what it takes.
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The Light Through Darkness
Let me tell you why it’s not all bad.
When you’re so used to fighting yourself to survive, other life challenges can become easier to face.
A presentation, a new job, or buying a new home are examples of things that can be daunting for many.
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If you’ve had to battle with something like PMDD for most of your adult life however, such tasks can be a lot less intimidating.
Whether you believe it or not, I can tell you that you have a strength most don’t.
I repeat.
Whether you believe it or not, you have a strength that most do not.
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When faced with a new challenge, I will remind myself constantly that nothing can be worse than my experience living with PMDD.
Even if it’s something taking place during PMDD and I don’t completely feel like myself, I’ll give it my best knowing I’ve already faced worse.
We’re managing (or coping), with the biggest challenge any human can face — the battle of the mind.
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Summary
Whether you’re doing well today or not so well, you’re doing well.
You may have a PMDD alter-ego and some of the things I described may be relatable to your situation.
The important thing is to train and elevate your usual self to such a point that when your alter ego shows up, the authentic you can subconsciously provide meaningful support.
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I realised no one was coming to save me, but I also recognised that God gave me the tools I’d need to overcome each month.
I became emotionally intelligent towards my PMDD self, finding ways to cope better, and even thrive through it on occasion.
Implementing faith, I learnt to believe that things could change and acted on that belief with action.
Taking matters into my own hands meant learning to do things I’d previously avoided — often the very things that felt impossible during PMDD.
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It takes an incredible level of unfeeling discipline.
Channelling that determination into tangible action has caused me to elevate in character — by-products of a life determined to succeed beyond the limitations of such a condition.
So you too can rewrite your story and become the backbone for your alter-ego PMDD sister, and together, live a better-balanced life.
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So no, I’m not superhuman.
I’m normal just like everyone else.
The only thing I did, was turn my desperation into determination — acted upon.
And you can too.
