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Living with PMDD can feel like you’re continuously bouncing between two versions of yourself.
Do I have a split personality?
Or perhaps it’s dissociative identity dis-order, bipolar or obsessive-compulsive disorder?
Prior to formal diagnosis, many of us will have hit the search engines frantically trying to build a picture and figure out exactly what’s been going on – myself included.
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The nature of how PMDD works means for a certain period each month you don’t feel like yourself – at all.
It’s why a large group of us may have assumed we were dealing with one of the previous mentioned disorders and it can certainly feel that way.
The changes in our mental and physical state however are directly linked to the hormonal changes we experience during the luteal phase of our menstrual cycle.
Women with PMDD have extra brain sensitivity to such changes.
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This then manifests via the dramatic change in our moods (as well as the physical discomforts which can vary from one woman to another).
But today, I’m not going to dive into the details of the condition itself although I have provided more information here.
So, allow me to share my experience dealing with the PMDD version of myself.
The good, the bad, and the ugly.
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My PMDD Alter-Ego
If you’ve gotten to know me through any of my social platforms, it may almost sound like I’m yielding to the potency of PMDD by creating this alter-ego persona.
It’s actually quite the reverse.
Rather, it’s my way of deliberately seizing power and control of the condition.
As you read on, you’ll understand more.
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PMDD Versus The Real Me
Annie, the actual me is hard working, committed, patient, caring, kind, funny, disciplined, and loyal.
If I did not have PMDD, this is the me you can expect to show up every time – the organic me.
Anita however, is my PMDD alter ego.
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Anita still possesses all the traits of Annie, however, she comes with unpleasant added extras that can seemingly overwhelm the usual traits Annie typically exudes.
Anita can have quite the temper, is more emotionally sensitive, vulnerable, impressionable, can be direct, sharp, shy, unfiltered, and socially awkward.
She dislikes too much noise, is highly impatient, and cannot tolerate stupidity or naivety of any kind.
She also has the tendency to overindulge in things which provide temporary gratification and yet may cause more harm than good.
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Anita is more prone to getting tired from her usual tasks than Annie.
She experiences strong feelings of overwhelm, is slower paced in her activities, and can be a lot less enthusiastic about the things that make Annie happy.
Anita tends to process constructive criticism in a destructive manner.
She can be quite the overthinker and likes things a particular way. If they’re not, she experiences a higher level of frustration.
She also has a strong need for tranquil and quiet environments.
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Despite the extras she comes with, Annie does her best to support Anita whenever she shows up.
Annie reminds her of the things that matter and her amazing abilities, as well as her achievements.
Annie will encourage Anita to stick to her disciplined routines despite how she’s feeling.
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Anita gets annoyed with herself if she can’t keep up in the way Annie does but Annie will remind her to show herself grace, and to take rest breaks.
Annie encourages Anita to never take things personal, to keep opinions to herself if their unlikely to be helpful and to avoid acting on impulse.
Rather, she reminds Anita to remain focused on the things that make her smile.
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The Power Of Perspective
Annie, the woman I am today that I’ve worked on for years has become the support system for Anita, that she previously couldn’t be.
So yes, I still experience PMDD each month but the way in which I respond to PMDD is very different because of the lifestyle I practice.
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I’ve said it in many of my PMDD blogs.
We’ve been dealt what feels like a particularly unfair set of cards in this thing called life.
However, we have the power to dictate what our life looks like despite the harsh reality of our conditions.
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If you’re familiar with PMDD, you may have noticed in the above description of my alter ego, I didn’t make mention of certain symptoms.
Depression, anxiety, suicidal thinking – to name a few.
There’s a reason for that.
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The lifestyle I live and the work I do on myself has greatly diminished my experience of these specific symptoms.
Things still get tough in the final days leading up to my bleed but previously, my ENTIRE two weeks with the condition was a monthly-rolling horror movie.
So why are these symptoms such diminished features in comparison to my past?
What’s changed?
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It’s the continuous fight and investment I make in my lifestyle.
In the spirit of transparency, I will also add that it’s not at all easy.
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'Core' Change
One of the first things I tried to do way back in 2015 when I was constantly defeated by the condition was to eliminate different things from my diet.
I was convinced at the time there was a direct link.
Although food was a contributing factor, food wasn’t the main culprit I thought it was.
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My constant battle with PMDD plus the combination of worsening life events, led me to eventually seek real change in 2019.
From then until now, I’ve worked on different elements of my life – constantly.
What started with food evolved into all areas of my life.
It led to physical activity, mindset shifts, addressing past traumas, friendship circles, personal aspirations, investment in knowledge, and most importantly, taking my faith more seriously.
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Most of my time is spent working on these areas of my life.
As a result, I’ve become a happier individual ‘from my core’.
When PMDD arrives, because I’m more centred and fulfilled from within, I no longer experience the worst of the symptoms across the 14 days.
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Although I can’t say I’m fully healed, I’m certainly getting better as I continue my process of growth and healing.
I read helpful books and I pray and read the Bible daily so I’m constantly reinforcing my spirit and empowering my mind.
It’s my way of giving Annie the tools necessary to support and manage Anita each month.
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Because of my practices and disciplines, I’ve learnt to convert anxiety into productive energy, using that to my benefit during PMDD days.
Anxiety gives a sense of ‘fight or flight’ and that feeling of being on edge, I redirect to get as much work done as possible.
For example, I may use it to do a spring clean for a few hours or expel it through an intense gym workout.
I may even sit down and write a blog post or plan and film some visual content.
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Annie has improved in herself and therefore has become Anita’s hero.
By investing and building up Annie, I’ve been able to develop an inner strength that allows me to carry my PMDD alter-ego each month.
The two of them work together on the same goals.
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They definitely work and operate in different ways but by combining the two, I remain steady, more level-headed and more consistent in my behaviours.
Annie can do what Anita can’t and because of Annie’s improved ability to supervise, Anita is restricted from taking complete control and prevented from causing utter havoc.
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Reflecting
Many years ago, Anita used to run everything and for lack of better words – my life was a complete shambles.
Every PMDD cycle, was a nightmare manifested in my reality.
Depression, severe anxiety, over-eating, weight gain, insomnia, severe fatigue, fear, insecurities, social anxiety, hopelessness, impulsive spending, extreme self-criticism, suicidal thinking, body dysmorphia, impulsive behaviour, you name it – that was my life.
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Life got so bad even on normal days I was experiencing PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder).
This was caused by the residue effects of emotionally charged choices I’d made during the bad days.
The fallout sent me into a cycle of poor mental health overall.
Eventually, when I was really up against it and trying to persuade myself against ending my own life, I spoke to a health professional and was put on Sertraline – an anti-depressant.
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Knowing how I operate now, it’s almost impossible for me to believe this use to be my life but it’s taken and still takes, a lot of work.
The point I’m making is, by building up and strengthening myself at my core, I can handle the PMDD much more tactfully than my past.
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On most days, it feels unfair that I ever developed such a mind battling condition in the first place.
The process I go through to manage it as effectively as possible has made me realise however, that I’m special.
You’re special.
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To face a mentally debilitating condition on a repetitive basis and to somehow keep moving forward with life deserves nothing but respect and admiration.
Whether you’ve got the condition under control or you’re experiencing the worst of it, you’re a special individual because most people will never know exactly how much you truly deal with.
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The Light Through Darkness
Let me tell you why it’s not all bad.
When you’re so use to fighting yourself to survive, other life challenges can become easier to face.
A presentation, a new job, or buying a new home are examples of things that can be daunting for many.
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If you’ve had to battle something like PMDD for most of your adult life however, such life situations can be a lot less intimidating.
Whether you believe it or not, I can tell you that you have a strength most don’t.
I repeat.
Whether you believe it or not, you have a strength most don’t.
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When faced with a new challenge, I will remind myself constantly that nothing can be worse than my experience living with PMDD.
Even if it’s something taking place during PMDD and I don’t completely feel like myself, I’ll give it my best knowing I’ve already faced worse.
We’re managing (or coping), with the biggest challenge any human can face – the battle of the mind.
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Summary
Whether you’re doing well today or not so well, you’re doing well.
You may have a PMDD alter ego and some of the things I described may be relatable to your situation.
The important thing is to train and elevate your usual self to such a point that when your alter ego shows up, the authentic you can provide meaningful support.
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I realised no one was coming to save me, but I also recognised God gave me the tools I’d need to overcome each month.
I became emotionally intelligent towards my PMDD self.
I found ways to cope better, to even thrive through it on occasion.
I believed things could change and acted on that belief with action.
I took matters into my own hands and learnt to do things I previously avoided. The same things that would feel impossible during PMDD.
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It takes an incredible level of willpower.
Channelling that determination into tangible action has caused me to evolve.
I’ve learnt to hold myself accountable and to live with integrity.
These are by-products of a life determined to succeed beyond the expected limitations of such a condition.
That’s the Annie everyone sees today.
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With God’s approval and support, Annie is rewriting her story and has become the backbone for her alter ego sister Anita and together, they’re living a better-balanced life.
So no, I’m not superhuman. I’m normal just like everyone else.
The only thing I did, was turn my desperation into determination – acted upon.
You can too.
