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Living with PMDD can feel like you’re continuously bouncing between two versions of yourself.
Do I have a split personality? Or perhaps, it’s dissociative identity dis-order, bipolar or obsessive-compulsive disorder?
Prior to formal diagnosis, I’m sure many of us hit the search engines frantically trying to build a picture of exactly what was going on – myself included.
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The nature of how PMDD works means for a certain period each month, you don’t quite feel like yourself – at all.
It’s why a large group of us may have assumed we were dealing with one of the above-mentioned personality disorders.
It can certainly feel that way but the point to remember is, the changes in our mental and physical state are directly linked with the changes we experience during the luteal phase of our menstrual cycle.
But today, I’m not going to dive into the ins and outs of the condition itself although if you want more information, you can certainly find it here.
So, let’s explore my experience of dealing with the PMDD version of myself – The good, the bad, and the ugly.
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When I’m experiencing PMDD, what I like to refer to as my alter ego comes to surface.
If you’ve gotten to know me through any of my social platforms, this may almost sound like I’m yielding to the potency of PMDD but actually, it’s quite the reverse.
It’s my way of deliberately seizing power and control of the condition. As you keep reading, you’ll understand more.
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I like to refer to my PMDD alter ego as Anita.
Annie, the actual me, is the hard working, committed, patient, caring, kind, funny, disciplined, loyal me.
If I did not have PMDD, this is the me you can expect to show up all the time – the organic me.
Anita however, is my PMDD alter ego.
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Anita still possesses all the traits of Annie, however she comes with some added extras that can seemingly overwhelm the usual traits that Annie typically exudes.
Anita can have quite the temper, is more emotionally sensitive, vulnerable, impressionable, can be direct, sharp, shy, unfiltered, and socially awkward.
She dislikes too much noise, cannot tolerate stupidity or naivety of any kind, and has the tendency to sometimes be overindulging in things that only provide temporary gratification.
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Anita is more prone to getting tired from her usual tasks than Annie.
She experiences feelings of overwhelm, is slower paced in her activities and can be a lot less enthusiastic about things that typically make Annie happy.
Anita tends to process constructive criticism in a destructive manner. She can be quite the overthinker and likes things a particular way. If they’re not, she experiences a higher level of frustration.
She prefers more tranquil, quiet environments.
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Despite the extras she comes with, Annie does her best to support Anita whenever she shows up.
Annie reminds her of the things that matter and her amazing abilities, as well as her achievements.
Annie will encourage Anita to stick to her disciplined routines despite how she’s feeling.
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Anita gets annoyed with herself if she can’t keep up in the same way Annie does, but Annie always advises her to show herself grace and encourages her to take rest breaks.
Annie encourages Anita to never take things personal, to keep her opinions to herself if their likely to be unhelpful, to avoid acting on impulse and to focus on the things that make her smile.
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Annie, the woman I am today, that I’ve worked on for years has become the support system for Anita, that she previously couldn’t be.
So yes, I still experience PMDD each month but the way in which I respond to PMDD is very different because of the lifestyle I continuously practice.
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I’ve said it in many of my PMDD blogs.
We’ve been dealt what feels like a particularly unfair set of cards in this thing called life.
However, we have the power to dictate what our life looks like despite the harsh reality of our conditions.
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If you’re familiar with PMDD, you may have noticed in the description of my alter ego, I didn’t make mention of some of the worst symptoms of the condition.
Depression, anxiety or suicidal thinking.
There’s a reason for that.
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The lifestyle I live and the work I do on myself, has greatly diminished my experience of these specific symptoms.
In fact, their impact during PMDD is so insignificant, I felt it’d be disingenuous to make mention when that’s no longer my lived experience.
But why is that? Why are these symptoms such diminished features in my life now?
What’s changed?
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It’s the continuous fight and investment I make in my lifestyle – and you’d be right to assume, it’s not at all easy.
One of the first things I tried to do way back in 2015 when I was constantly defeated by the condition was to eliminate different things from my diet.
I was convinced at the time there was a direct link.
Although there was a little truth to it, in that certain foods intensified certain symptoms, food wasn’t the culprit I thought it was.
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My continued PMDD battle with the combination of worsening life events, led me to eventually seek real change in 2019.
From then until now, I’ve worked on different elements of my life – consistently.
What started with food evolved into all areas of my life I felt, needed addressing.
It led to physical activity, mindset, friendship circles, personal aspirations, investment in gaining knowledge through educational literature, and most importantly, investment in my faith.
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My life routine has continued in this way and most of my time is spent investing in these areas of my life.
As a result, I’ve become a happier individual ‘from my core’.
When PMDD arrives, because I’m more centred and fulfilled from within, I no longer experience depression or suicidal thoughts.
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I’m constantly working on my past traumas because there’s so many and they cut so deep.
And although I can’t say I’m fully healed, I’m certainly getting better as I continue my process of growth and healing.
I read helpful books, I pray and read the Bible daily so I’m constantly reinforcing my spirit and empowering my mind.
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It’s my way of giving Annie the tools necessary to support and manage Anita each month.
Because of my practices and disciplines, I’ve learnt to convert the anxiety into productive energy and use that to my benefit during PMDD days.
Anxiety gives a sense of ‘fight or flight’ and that feeling of being on edge, I redirect to get as much work done as possible.
For example, I may use it to do a spring clean for a few hours or expel it through an intense gym workout.
I may even sit down and write a blog post or plan and film some visual content.
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Annie has improved in herself and therefore has become Anita’s hero.
By investing and building up Annie, she’s been able to develop an inner strength that allows her to carry Anita and her added extras during PMDD.
The two of them work together on the same goals.
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As you saw, they definitely work and operate in different ways but the combining of the two allows me to remain steady, more level-headed and more consistent in my behaviours.
Annie can do what Anita can’t and because of Annie’s effort and ability to supervise, Anita is restricted from taking complete control and therefore prevented from causing utter havoc.
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Previously (many years ago), Anita used to run everything and for lack of better words – my life was a complete shambles.
Every PMDD cycle, was a nightmare manifested in my reality.
Depression, severe anxiety, over-eating, weight gain, insomnia, severe fatigue, fear, lack of confidence, social anxiety, hopelessness, impulsive spending, extreme self-criticism, suicidal thinking, body dysmorphia, destructive impulsive behaviour, you name it – that was my life.
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It was so bad that even on non-PMDD days, I was still in tatters from the distress caused by the rippling effect of my emotionally charged behaviours.
The fallout sent me into a cycle of dire mental health overall.
Eventually, when I was really up against it and trying to persuade myself against ending my own life, I spoke to a health professional and was put on Sertraline – an anti-depressant.
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Knowing how I operate now, it’s almost impossible for me to believe this use to be my life but it’s taken and still takes, a lot of work.
The point I’m making is, by building up and strengthening myself at my core, I can handle the PMDD version of me much more tactfully than in my past.
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On most days, it feels unfair that I ever developed such a mind battling condition in the first place.
The process I go through to manage it as effectively as possible has made me realise however, I’m special.
You’re special.
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To face a mentally debilitating condition on a repetitive basis and to somehow keep moving forward with life deserves nothing but respect and admiration.
Whether you’ve got the condition under control or you’re experiencing the worst of it, you’re a special individual because most people will never know exactly how much you truly deal with.
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Let me tell you why it’s not all bad.
When you’re so use to fighting yourself living a life with PMDD, anything else becomes lighter weight in comparison.
A presentation, a new job or buying a new home are a few examples of events in life that can be daunting for many.
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But if you’ve had to battle something like PMDD for most of your adult life, these life situations can be a lot less intimidating.
Whether you believe it or not, I can tell you that you have a strength, that most don’t.
I repeat.
Whether you believe it or not, I can tell you that you have a strength, that most don’t.
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When faced with a new challenge, I will remind myself constantly that nothing can be worse than my experience living with PMDD.
Even if it’s something taking place during PMDD and I know I don’t feel completely myself, my focus is simply on getting it done, because I’ve already faced worse.
We’re managing (or coping), with the biggest challenge any human can face, the challenge of the mind.
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So, whether you’re doing well today or not so well, you’re doing well.
You may have a PMDD alter ego too and some of the things I described may be relatable to your situation.
The important thing is to train and elevate your usual self to such a point that when your alter ego shows up, the authentic you can provide the support and assistance your alter ego needs.
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I realised no one was coming to save me, but I also recognised that God gave me all the tools I needed to start making the necessary changes.
I became emotionally intelligent towards my PMDD self. I found ways to cope better, to even thrive through it on occasion.
I believed things could change, but I also acted on that belief with action.
I took matters into my own hands and learnt to do the things I previously preferred to avoid. The same things that would feel impossible during my PMDD days.
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It takes an incredible level of willpower and channelling that determination into tangible action has caused me to evolve. I’ve learnt to hold myself accountable and to live with integrity.
That’s the Annie you see – she’s the one that keeps it altogether.
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With God’s approval and support, Annie is rewriting her story and has become the backbone for her alter ego sister Anita and together, they’re living a much better-balanced life.
So no, I’m no superhuman. I’m normal just like everyone else.
The only thing I did, was turn my desperation into determination – acted upon.
And You can too.
