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Impulse buying to help myself feel better was a pit I fell into time and time again. I didn’t really notice it at the time when the condition controlled me so severely.
In my mind, I was making purchases because I felt unattractive thanks to the body dysmorphia symptom of the condition. I was ‘treating myself’ for an ego boost.
On many occasions, it was unhealthy take outs thanks to the food cravings I’d experience. Either way, I’d give in to the impulses and my finances took a big hit as a result.
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I had good credit and fell prey to endless credit card offers, slowly spiralling into an endless cycle of debt. I felt it important to share this side of the condition because although these awful spending habits were years ago, I’m still restoring them today.
I wanted to share my experience in the hopes that if you’ve managed to avoid this predicament, you never fall into it in the first place. Or, if like me you’ve been a financial victim of the condition, be assured that you can work towards repairing any damage done.
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Let me take things back to where it began. In 2014 is when I went to see my GP about my concerns following my own self-diagnosis. I was prescribed with various anti-depressant like medications over a period, as I was medically misdiagnosed to begin with.
Eventually, some time later, I was referred to a gynaecologist and formally diagnosed. They trialled me on different methods of relief. The condition didn’t get any easier however, as many of the medications i.e various contraceptive pills, made the condition worse. I was advised to stick with each method for up to 6 months at a time.
I’m just putting into context why PMDD affected me so greatly after my diagnosis.
As you may already know, PMDD symptoms can include things like depression, anxiety, self-critical thoughts, tearfulness, hopelessness, sadness, food cravings, severe fatigue, insomnia, hypersomnia and the like.
My spending habits were merely a reactive effect of the symptoms. Body dysmorphia would hit me like the plague during the bad weeks, anything I could do to help myself feel better was a no brainer, or so I thought.
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During the normal weeks, I felt completely comfortable and confident in my own skin – flaws and all. Nothing at all would have changed except my perception of myself. I’d look in the mirror and see all these issues that were non-existent in my good weeks.
I’d go through this cycle of self-criticism every month and whilst I’m busy professing how awful I look, I’d buy the worst types of food – sugar and fried junk to help me feel better.
This cycle would happen every month for years. The only remedies I knew, were to give in to the food cravings and buy clothes, new hair or skin products to help myself feel better – on credit cards.
Slowly, I plunged myself into more and more financial difficulty. What made things worse is each month, I’d look at what I spent the last month and feel terrible about it.
I’d be suffering from PMDD related depression as it is and would buy even more things to help me feel better. It really was a self-destructive period of my life.
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By now, you can see how easy it was for my finances to go wayward. My only saving grace has been that despite the emotional spending during those particular years, I was always extremely disciplined at managing my payments – never late, never defaulted.
My credit did not suffer detrimentally and improved considerably as I’ve remained committed to the repayments. I acknowledge, there may be women like me who suffered the reactive spending habits with barely any means to repay.
In those instances, it’s best to speak with the relative lender to arrange what you can and slowly over time, work your way back up to a better place. At the very least, it’s best to avoid making matters worse at any costs.
Getting myself into debt made me feel ashamed. I felt like I had no self-discipline, was less than capable and if I got into a relationship, eventually we’d have to discuss finances. How would I explain my situation?
These thoughts actually kept me from dating for a long time – what a horrible way to live.
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It all came down to the fact that I was allowing the condition to dictate my life, yielding to all the negative emotions and losing myself and my grip of discipline in the process.
My resounding advice I always give, not only to women with PMDD but everyone is never make decisions as a reaction to heightened negative emotions. It only causes regret and guilt is an emotion that can slowly eat at one’s self-esteem.
The condition has taught me so much about myself. Most potently, is the delayed effects my reactive actions have on me later. Once I was submerged into the journey of self-development and improvement, I would keep the following at the forefront of my mind.
If I feel down, I don’t need a new product to help me feel better. If I’m craving junk food, I remind myself that those foods only provide short-term gratification but can have long-term effects.
If I don’t feel like I look good, buying a new expensive wig isn’t going to change much because nothing about me has changed, only the way I see things.
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I started to replace the negative emotional reactions with positive ones. Rather than spending money I didn’t have on things I didn’t need, I’d utilise what I already had to my benefit.
I’d do 45-minute home workouts to increase my endorphin levels. I’d revamp and bring back to life an existing wig instead of purchasing a new one. I’d watch something comical or inspiring to lift my mood.
I found positive outlets for the negative emotions and I’d do this every month whether I felt like it or not. The principle was, good habits will always produce good results, so do them. Especially, when you don’t want to. These positive reactions became habits over time. Their habits I implement today.
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Your finances may not be where you want them to be. You may have gotten yourself into serious financial hardship like I once did. I’d encourage you firstly, to forgive yourself. In order to start making progress, it’s expedient to release yourself from guilt.
As women with PMDD, the life altering mistakes we make as a result of this condition, we should not persecute ourselves for. The condition can feel impossible to manage for the most part. Beating yourself up over your past choices will only make matters worse – now, and in the future. It’s time to move on, productively.
Like me, there may be some necessary ongoing repair needed stemming from those previous decisions. What matters, is how you deal with things moving forward. Sit down and devise a real plan to get a hold of your finances. Do whatever research is necessary, and get plans in place to turn things around.
If you’re single and worried about dating, don’t be. Someone that loves you for you will accept every part of you and most people don’t care about your past (especially if you’re actively working towards better). Stop holding yourself hostage mentally.
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Having debt is not the end of the world and with a condition like PMDD, it’s very easy to think it is. Start implementing positive outlets on those negative emotions.
The actions you take may not feel beneficial at the time, but whenever you look back, you’ll take pride in knowing you were consistently doing the right thing.
If you do have debt, learn how to manage it. This will be useful and is equally important. Actively focus, and work on the path ahead that you wish to see, and leave the past where it belongs.
