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Even with all the improvement and investment I’ve made in my life for the better, the final day before my period is due, still happens to be the most difficult to endure – when it comes to PMDD.
The one (and only) positive take-away is, it helps me identify exactly when my period is about to start.
It still, however, happens to form my most excruciating experience of the month. Mentally, I feel utterly discombobulated and emotionally, I feel beyond fragile.
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It’s true, when it comes to life with premenstrual dysphoric disorder, I’ve made serious strides for the better – overall.
The mentally traumatic experience I endure in the final few days, use to be my lived experience throughout the entire two weeks of the condition. The overall intensity and consistency of symptoms has greatly reduced.
Despite the improvement and the joy that brings, I wanted to focus on the final days leading up to my bleed.
I tend to experience these random months where the symptoms radically appear and somehow, that final PMDD day is the worst of them all.
The month in which I’m writing this post, was agony.
And so whilst my period had begun, followed by the immediate mental and emotional relief, I thought to put the rawness of this episode into words and share my experience.
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So, I want to start from the final few days leading up to that last awful day before my bleed began.
The date was the week commencing September 9th 2024. I had been applying for temporary job opportunities and landed myself a job interview due to take place the following Tuesday.
(For those who may not know, building a life in entrepreneurship is no easy feat hence the job hunt – at some point, you can rest assured I’ll add a new category to share blogs on my full entrepreneurial journey).
In addition to the pending job interview, I needed to prepare music for our monthly church service (as mentioned on my faith page).
Readying my social media content ahead of my usual Sunday publishing across my TikTok, Instagram and YouTube channels, was also added to the pile of things to do.
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Behind the scenes, I still had the commitment of my gym routine (four to five days per week) so as you may imagine, life was firing from all cylinders.
According to my ovulation calendar, my period was to be expected Monday 16th September so by the time it reached Saturday 14th, I wasn’t surprised that I was feeling ‘slightly out of sorts’.
Regardless of the change in my mood, I attended the gym as normal, got my interview presentation together as had been requested by the hiring organisation, and started my music ensemble ahead of Sunday’s service.
Sunday arrived and I woke up feeling indifferent. Not excited but also not down – just indifferent.
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As is my practice most mornings, I took the time to pray first casting my day, my emotions, and my mind into the Lord’s hands because I knew I needed His grace to complete my tasks.
I was proud that I’d been able to accomplish so much in the week despite it being the latter half of PMDD.
I knew I’d need God’s help for the last few days because I was beginning to grow weary, but still had so much to do.
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If you’ve snooped my ‘mind’ blog posts or my visual content across my other platforms, you’ll notice I’m a big believer of acting in faith. I practice living a life led by my will rather than my emotions – daily.
If you also know what it’s like to live with a difficult mental health condition, then you’ll know (or can at least imagine), how tough the above mentioned is to do when you’re feeling mentally defeated and emotionally spent.
This is why I pray before I begin my day.
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After prayer, I got to practicing my songs for worship ahead of service. Once I’d completed my morning practice, I then got to editing my video posts, creating my captions and sorting out all my necessary hashtags etc. I felt depleted, but I knew I needed to persist.
It wasn’t too long before my brother, sister-in-law and nephews arrived. We would pack the church equipment and travel to church in our separate cars. Mum and I together, and my brother and family in their vehicle.
Despite my state of feeling indifferent, the service was wonderful. My worship segment went better than I expected. I felt lifted and more relieved in mind then when I’d begun the day.
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Following service, we came back to mums, ate dinner and had a jolly good time together. It was nine in the evening when my family left and I was soon headed to sleep.
I had my gym session first thing and needed to complete my interview preparation for Tuesday’s interview.
Monday soon arrived and when I woke up, I didn’t feel very good – at all.
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Extreme sadness, unquenchable anger, severe anxiety, paralysing confusion and doubt had set in. Nothing like the usual me – whatsoever.
Nevertheless, I proceeded to the gym as planned and on my return, I prayed as usual after my shower before completing my interview preparation.
Despite proceeding with my commitments as best as possible, I still felt completely beside myself.
My usual confidence seemed to have vanished. I felt emotionally sensitive and began to second guess everything about myself.
I tried to calm myself down, reassuring myself that this was just the PMDD. My period hadn’t started as anticipated but I could tell it was close and the more it didn’t show up, the worse I felt.
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It was now mid-afternoon on Monday 16th September and I felt terrible. For the first time in a very long time, I broke down crying – for no ‘obvious’ reason.
My mind began to play tricks on me and took me back down memory lane to ten years ago, replaying the day I was moving into my old flat in 2013.
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I’d parked directly outside my block.
I had no one to help so against parking restrictions, I parked outside. My items were heavy and the walk from the car park to the flat was quite a distance.
It was very late in the night. I assumed I’d be OK for 45 minutes.
On one trip back to my car, the ticket attendant had just finished issuing a parking charge penalty on my windscreen.
I walked out as he was there and quickly explained that I was just moving in. My luggage was heavy, I was alone and simply trying to make the process easier for myself.
I then pointed out my car permit in the hopes of corroborating my explanation.
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He advised the ticket had already been issued. My eyes began to well up in despair. He could see I was tearing up and from the look on his face, I could sense he felt bad.
He went on to tell me what I could do to challenge the penalty and as he spoke, I couldn’t hold my tears – they began to roll down my face.
I felt embarrassed.
He wished me the best with my move, returned to his own vehicle and left.
I felt distraught and hopeless.
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If only I had a partner I thought to myself, I know they would have helped and this predicament would have been avoided.
I then began to take jives at myself and make myself feel worse. I told myself I’d probably die single so best get use to it.
No one would want me with my PMDD-plagued life.
I continued transporting my belongings to the flat, and cried as I did.
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So why on earth did my mind take me down this memory lane?
It so happened that this particular event from over 10 years ago was during my PMDD weeks back then and was difficult to forget.
I felt sorry for myself all over again as I lay in bed crying. I now felt hopeless – about everything.
Within almost 24 hours, I’d lost every character trait I knew myself to be. My confidence, my strength, my boldness, the eloquence and optimism.
All I felt was complete anguish.
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I had my interview the next day and knew I had to try and pull it together but it was tough.
I knew this wasn’t the real me but the mental dysfunction was so compelling, it felt like it was.
I’d been doing so well making great strides for a long time.
How had PMDD overtaken me to this degree. Soon enough, suicidal thoughts started to discretely circulate.
I soon fell asleep, then woke up just after 6am on the Tuesday and got ready to head to the gym.
It was weird because I remember how horribly the previous night had ended but I’d woken up feeling – not so bad.
I completed my gym session, came home, showered then got dressed and prayed for my day ahead of the pending interview.
Mentally, I now felt fine and emotionally, it was like nothing had happened.
That’s when I realised, my period had started.
I felt elated and free.
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This isn’t the first time (and probably won’t be the last) that I go through this experience, but I’ve made a note to self for future reference.
The closer my period gets, the worse the PMDD symptoms.
Women who have the condition aren’t exaggerating about their experiences.
Everything I described above is just an example of how the condition can mentally affect the women who have it – every single month. And, the closer we get to our period, the more severe the symptoms can become.
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My story is merely a snippet from a large archive of my life’s episodes with the condition.
I happen to be fortunate enough to not experience the mental and emotional trauma of PMDD across the full 14 days as was previously the case (this timespan differs from woman to woman).
I experience the severity of the condition during the last few days before my period but for the most part, the majority of my months are no longer as severe as the example I’ve shared.
The improvement is likely due to my lifestyle and my faith as discussed across my other PMDD blog posts.
For many women who have the condition however, this is their experience every single month and for more than just a few days at a time.
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I may be mentally stronger than I use to be but this September 2024, PMDD was still able to bring me to my knees – so to speak.
My shared experience is to remind the world that there are countless women living this experience on a rotating monthly basis for up to 2 weeks each time.
I consider myself an empowered individual with an extremely disciplined lifestyle but every now and again, the condition still tears me apart.
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I have readers whose lives are plagued by the condition and readers who wish to understand the condition more. My hope is that my personal account provides more insight and for those with the condition, that it brings encouragement.
Women with PMDD are NOT crazy.
Our brains are just hypersensitive to the changes in our hormones.
I’m yet to do the research myself, but I strongly believe that as we approach our bleed, there are further changes within our hormones which to me, may explain why the condition seems to become more intense as the days get closer to our period.
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My period arrived and I felt almost immediately fine.
I have to remind myself constantly that this condition is in no way an accurate representation of me or who I am.
It’s a ghastly façade that overshadows the real me and whatever negative thinking I’m experiencing at that time, isn’t me.
So a gentle reminder to my PMDD community – PMDD isn’t you.
The emotions will come and may seem real but hold onto faith and remember who you actually are.
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The reason why I continue my life as normal irrespective of whether I’m experiencing the severe symptoms or not, is because my life practices and disciplines are the real me.
I will never abandon who I am for the sake of this condition whenever it may decide to disrupt my life.
Life must go on.
I think about the people who’s lives I touch regularly and how my messages of inspiration and encouragement reach others. This is my calling, and I’ll never allow this condition to stop me in my tracks.
The closer our period gets, the worse the condition can become but always remember who you are, and who you are not.
I relentlessly keep living because I’m so much stronger than I think.
And so are you.
