Estimated Reading Time: 15 mins
Even with all the improvement and investment I’ve made in my life for the better, the final day before my period is due, still happens to be the most difficult to endure – when it comes to PMDD.
The one (and only) positive take-away is, it helps me identify exactly when my period is about to start.
It still, however, happens to form my most excruciating experience of the month. Mentally, I feel utterly discombobulated and emotionally, I feel beyond fragile.
Image by freepik
When it comes to life with premenstrual dysphoric disorder, I’ve made serious strides for the better – overall.
The mentally traumatic experience I endure in the final few days, use to be my lived experience throughout my entire two weeks with the condition each month.
The overall intensity and consistency of symptoms however, has greatly reduced.
Despite the improvement and the joy that brings, I wanted to focus on the final days leading up to my bleed should other women experience the same.
The month in which I’m writing this post, was agony.
And so whilst my period had begun, followed by the immediate mental and emotional relief, I thought to put the rawness of this episode into words and share my experience.
Image by Alexeyzhilkin on freepik
The date was the week commencing September 9th 2024.
I had been applying for temporary job opportunities and landed myself a job interview due to take place the following Tuesday.
(For those who may not know, building a life in entrepreneurship is no easy feat hence the job hunt – at some point, you can rest assured I’ll add a new category to share blogs on my full entrepreneurial journey).
In addition to the pending job interview, I needed to prepare music for our monthly church service.
Readying my social media content ahead of my usual Sunday publishing across my TikTok, Instagram and YouTube channels, was also added to my pile of things to do.
Image by rawpixel.com on freepik
In addition and behind the scenes, I still had the commitment of my gym routine (four sessions per week), so as you may imagine life was firing from all cylinders.
According to my ovulation calendar, my period was to be expected Monday 16th September.
By the time it reached Saturday 14th, I wasn’t at all surprised that I was feeling ‘slightly out of sorts’.
Regardless of the change in my mood, I attended the gym as normal.
I also got my interview presentation together as had been requested by the hiring organisation, and started my music ensemble ahead of Sunday’s church service.
Sunday arrived and I woke up feeling indifferent. Not excited but also not down – just indifferent.
Image by freepik
As is my practice most mornings, I took the time to pray first casting everything into the Lord’s hands because I knew I needed His grace to complete my tasks.
I was proud that I’d been able to accomplish so much in the week despite it being the latter half of PMDD.
I knew I’d need God’s help for the last few days because I was beginning to grow weary despite still having so much to do.
Image by freepik
If you’ve snooped any of my ‘mind’ blogs or my visual content across my other platforms, you’ll notice I’m a big believer of acting in faith.
I practice living a life led by my will rather than my emotions – daily.
If you also know what it’s like to live with a difficult mental health condition, then you’ll know (or can at least imagine), how tough the above mentioned is to do when you’re mentally battling yourself.
Image by Tima miroshnichenko on pexels
After prayer, I got to practicing my songs for worship ahead of service.
Once I’d completed my morning practice, I then got to editing my video posts, creating my captions and sorting out all my necessary hashtags etc.
I felt depleted, but I knew I needed to persist.
It wasn’t too long before my brother, sister-in-law and nephews arrived. We would pack the church equipment and travel to church in our separate cars.
Despite my state of feeling indifferent, the service was wonderful.
My worship segment went better than I expected. I felt lifted and more relieved in mind then when I’d begun the day.
Image by Israel Torres on pexels
Following service, we came back to mums, ate dinner and had a jolly good time together. It was late in the evening when my family left and I soon headed to sleep.
I had my gym session first thing and needed to complete my interview preparation for Tuesday’s interview.
When Monday arrived and I woke up, I didn’t feel very good – at all.
Image by Karolina Kaboompics on pexels
Extreme sadness, unquenchable anger, severe anxiety, paralysing confusion and doubt had set in.
Nothing like the usual me – whatsoever.
Nevertheless, I proceeded to the gym as planned and on my return, I prayed as usual after my shower before completing my interview prep.
Despite proceeding with my commitments as best as possible, I still felt completely besides myself.
My usual confidence seemed to have vanished. I felt emotionally sensitive and began to second guess everything.
I tried to calm myself down, reassuring myself that this was just the PMDD.
My period hadn’t started as anticipated but I could tell it was close.
The more it didn’t show up however, the worse I felt.
Image by Tima Miroshnichenko on pexels
It was now mid-afternoon on Monday 16th September and I felt terrible.
For the first time in a very long time, I broke down crying – for no ‘obvious’ reason.
My mind began to play tricks taking me down memory lane to the previous ten years.
It replayed the day I was moving into my old flat in 2013 – a past memory of pure misery.
Image by freepik
This particular event in my life went very much like this.
I’d parked directly outside my block. I had no one to help so against parking restrictions, I parked outside.
My items were heavy and the walk from the car park to the flat was quite a distance.
It was very late in the night. I assumed I’d be OK for 45 minutes.
On one trip back to my car, the ticket attendant had just finished issuing a parking penalty on my windscreen.
I walked out as he was there and quickly tried to explain myself. I was just moving in. My luggage was heavy, I was alone and simply trying to make the process easier.
I then pointed out my car permit in the hopes of corroborating my explanation.
Image by Roland DRz on pexels
He advised the ticket had already been issued.
My eyes began to well up in despair. He could see I was tearing up and from the look on his face, I could sense he felt bad.
He went on to advise what I could do to challenge the penalty and as he spoke, I couldn’t hold my tears – they began to roll down my face.
I felt embarrassed.
He wished me the best with my move, returned to his own vehicle and left.
I felt distraught and hopeless.
Image by peoplecreations on freepik
If only I had a partner I thought to myself, I know they would have helped and this predicament would have been avoided.
I then began to take jives at myself and make myself feel worse. I told myself I’d probably die single so best get use to it.
No one would want me with my PMDD-plagued life.
I continued transporting my belongings to the flat, and cried as I did.
Image by ketut subiyanto on pexels
So why on earth did my mind take me down this memory lane?
It so happened that this particular event from over 10 years ago was during my PMDD weeks back then and difficult to forget.
It may not have seemed so life-changingly significant to others but for a woman experiencing PMDD, most unpleasant events experienced during the condition feel traumatising.
I felt sorry for myself all over again as I lay in bed crying and reflecting on such past events. I now felt hopeless – about everything.
Within almost 24 hours, I’d lost every character trait I knew myself to be.
My confidence, my strength, my boldness, the eloquence and optimism had seemingly vanished.
All I felt was anguish.
Image by Darina Belonogova on pexels
I had my interview coming up and knew I had to try and pull it together.
The mental dysfunction was so compelling, it felt like this was my life full-time.
I’d been doing so well making great strides for a long time. How had PMDD overtaken me to this degree.
Soon enough, suicidal thoughts started to discretely circulate. I soon fell asleep, then woke up just after 6am on the Tuesday and got ready to head to the gym.
It was weird. I remembered how horribly the previous night had ended but I’d woken up feeling – not so bad.
On completing the gym, I came home, showered then got dressed and prayed for my day ahead of the pending interview.
Mentally, I now felt fine and emotionally, it was like nothing had happened. I felt elated and free.
That’s when I realised, my period had started.
Image by Cottonbro studio on pexels
This isn’t the first (and probably won’t be the last) time I go through this experience, but I’ve made a note to self for future reference.
The closer my period gets, the worse the PMDD symptoms.
Women who have the condition aren’t exaggerating about their experiences.
Everything I described above is an example of how the condition can mentally affect the women who have it – every single month.
The closer we get to our period, the more severe the symptoms can become.
Image by Anna Shvets on pexels
My story is merely a snippet from a large archive of my life’s episodes with the condition.
I happen to be fortunate enough to not experience the mental and emotional trauma of PMDD across the full 14 days as was previously the case.
(For most women the timespan differs and can range from 7-14 days on average).
I experience the severity of the condition during the last few days before my period but for the most part, the majority of my months are no longer as severe as the example I’ve shared.
The improvement is likely due to my lifestyle and my faith as discussed across my other PMDD blog posts.
For many women who have the condition however, this is their experience every single month and for more than just a few days at a time.
Image by rawpixel.com on freepik
I may be mentally stronger than I was but this September 2024, PMDD was still able to bring me to my knees so to speak.
My shared experience is to remind the world that there are countless women living this experience on a rotating monthly basis.
Hopefully my own story gives clarity to it’s debilitating nature.
I consider myself an empowered individual with an extremely disciplined lifestyle but even then, the condition still manages to tear me apart on occasion.
How much more the women who are simply trying to go about their daily lives.
We’re forced to survive ourselves constantly. It’s no wonder that suicidal ideation is a common symptom.
Image by Cottonbro studio on pexels
I have readers whose lives are plagued by the condition and readers who wish to understand the condition more.
My hope is that my personal account provides more insight and for those with the condition, that it brings encouragement.
Women with PMDD are NOT crazy.
Our brains are just hypersensitive to the changes in our hormones.
I’m yet to do the research myself, but I strongly believe that as we approach our bleed, there are further changes within our hormones which to me, may explain why the condition seems to become more intense as the days get closer to our period.
Image by rawpixel.com on freepik
My period arrived and I felt almost immediately fine.
I have to remind myself constantly that this condition is in no way an accurate representation of me or who I am.
It’s a ghastly façade that overshadows the real me and whatever negative thinking I’m experiencing at that time, isn’t me.
So a gentle reminder to my PMDD community – PMDD isn’t you.
The emotions will come and may seem real but hold onto faith and remember who you actually are.
Image by RDNE stock project on pexels
The reason why I continue my life as normal irrespective of whether I’m experiencing the severe symptoms or not, is because my life practices and disciplines are the real me.
I’m determined to live the life I want not the one the condition tries to dictate.
I think about the people who’s lives I touch regularly and how my messages of inspiration encourage others. This is my calling, and I’ll never allow this condition to stop me in my tracks.
The closer our period gets, the worse the condition can become but always remember who you are, and who you are not.
I relentlessly keep living because I’m so much stronger than I think.
And so are you.
