Estimated Reading Time: 15 mins
Introduction
Even with all the improvements I’ve made in my life, those final few days before my period is due, still happen to be the most difficult to endure when it comes to PMDD.
The one (and only) positive take-away is, it helps me recognise exactly when my period is about to start. Despite this, those last few days still tend to be the most difficult part of my month.
Mentally, I feel disoriented, and emotionally, I’m very fragile.
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When it comes to life with premenstrual dysphoric disorder, I’ve made serious strides for the better — overall.
The difficulties in the final few days, used to be my lived experience throughout my entire two weeks with the condition — each month.
Despite the overall improvement made and the joy that brings, I’ve chosen to focus on these final days in case other women experience the same.
The month in which I originally wrote this post (September 2024), was particularly challenging.
And so whilst my period had begun, followed by the immediate mental relief, I decided to put the rawness of this episode into words and share my experience.
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Daily Life Disrupted
The date was the week commencing September 9th 2024.
I had been applying for temporary job opportunities and landed myself a job interview due to take place the following Tuesday.
(Building a life in entrepreneurship is no easy feat hence the job hunt — at some point later, I’ll add a new category to share blogs on my full entrepreneurial journey).
In addition to the pending job interview, I needed to prepare the music for our monthly church service.
Preparing my social media content ahead of my usual Sunday publishing schedule across TikTok, Instagram, and YouTube was also added to the growing list of things to do.
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Behind the scenes, I still had the commitment of my gym routine (four sessions per week), so as you may imagine life was firing from all cylinders.
According to my ovulation calendar, my period was to be expected Monday 16th September.
By the time it reached Saturday 14th, I wasn’t at all surprised that I was feeling ‘out of sorts’, but regardless of the change in my mood I attended the gym as normal.
I worked on gathering my interview presentation together as had been requested by the hiring organisation, and started my music ensemble ahead of Sunday’s service.
Sunday arrived and I woke up feeling indifferent. Not excited but also not down — just indifferent.
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Leaning on God
As is my practice most mornings, I took the time to pray casting everything into the Lord’s hands because I knew I needed His grace to complete my tasks.
I was proud of how much I’d been able to accomplish, despite it being the latter half of PMDD. Still, I knew I’d need God’s help as I was starting to grow weary and could feel the change in my wellbeing.
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If you’ve snooped any of my mind blogs or my visual content across other platforms, you’ll notice I’m a big believer in acting by faith.
I practice living a life led by faith rather than by my emotions — daily.
And if you live with a difficult mental health condition yourself, you’ll know (or can at least imagine), how tough this can be when you’re battling your own mind.
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After prayer, I got to practicing my songs and once completed, I then got to editing my video posts.
I felt depleted, but I knew I needed to persist.
It wasn’t too long before my brother, his wife, and my nephews had arrived. We would pack the church equipment and travel to church in our separate cars.
Despite my state of feeling indifferent, the service was wonderful. My worship segment went better than I expected.
I felt lifted and more relieved in mind then when I’d begun the day.
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Following the service, we came back to mums, ate dinner and had a good time together. It was late in the evening when my family left and I soon headed to sleep.
I had my gym session first thing and needed to complete my interview preparation for Tuesday’s interview, but when Monday arrived and I woke up, I didn’t feel good — at all.
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The Emotional Plummet
Extreme sadness, unquenchable anger, severe anxiety, paralysing confusion, and doubt had set in.
Nothing like the usual me whatsoever. Nevertheless, I proceeded to the gym as planned and on my return, I prayed as usual before completing my interview prep.
Despite proceeding with my commitments as best as possible, I still felt besides myself.
My usual confidence seemed to have vanished. I felt emotionally sensitive and began to second guess everything.
I tried to calm myself down, offering thoughts of reassurance that this was just the PMDD. My period hadn’t started as anticipated, but I could tell it was close.
The more it didn’t show up however, the worse I felt.
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It was now mid-afternoon on Monday 16th and I felt terrible.
For the first time in a very long time, I broke down crying — for no ‘obvious’ reason.
My mind began to play tricks on me, taking me back through the previous ten years until, quite unexpectedly, it replayed the day I moved into my old flat in 2013 — a memory of pure misery.
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PMDD Echoes of the Past
This particular event in my life went very much like this.
My belongings were heavy and the walk from the car park to the flat was quite a distance.
I had no one to help so against parking restrictions, I parked directly outside my block. It was past midnight so I assumed I’d be OK for 45 minutes.
On one trip back to my car, a plain-clothed ticket attendant had just finished issuing a parking penalty on my windscreen.
I stepped outside as he was there and quickly tried to explain. I told him I was just moving in, that my luggage was heavy, and that I was on my own, simply trying to make the process easier.
I then pointed out my valid car permit in the hopes of corroborating my explanation.
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He advised the ticket had already been issued.
My eyes began to well up with despair and as I started to tear up, I could see from his expression that he felt bad.
He went on to advise what I could do to challenge the penalty and as he spoke, I couldn’t hold my tears — they began to roll down my face. I felt embarrassed.
Wishing me the best with my move, he returned to his own vehicle and left.
I was left feeling distraught and full of hopelessness.
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If only I had a partner I thought to myself, I know they would have helped and this predicament would have been avoided.
I then began to take jives and make myself feel worse, telling myself I’d probably die single so it was best I got use to it.
No one would want me with my PMDD-plagued life. I cried in my despair as I continued transporting my belongings.
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Back to Reality
So why on earth did my mind take me down this memory lane?
This recalled event from over 10 years ago was during a PMDD phase back then and was difficult to forget.
It may not seem detrimental to others, but for a woman with PMDD, unpleasant events are magnified and can feel traumatising.
As I lay in bed crying and reflecting, I felt sorry for myself all over again.
Within almost 24 hours, I’d lost all sense of what I knew my character to be.
My confidence, strength, boldness, and the eloquence and optimism I usually exuded had all seemingly vanished.
All I felt was mental anguish.
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I had my interview coming up and knew I had to try and pull it together.
The mental dysfunction was so compelling, it felt like a true reflection of my life full-time despite that not being the case.
I’d been doing so well for so long. How had PMDD overtaken me to this degree?
Soon enough, suicidal ideation started to discretely surface.
Eventually falling asleep, I awoke early Tuesday morning and headed to the gym as usual, but something was off.
I remembered how horribly the previous night had ended but I’d woken up feeling — better?
On completing my workout, I came home, showered, got dressed and prayed for my day ahead of the pending interview.
Mentally, I felt fine and emotionally, it was like nothing had happened — I felt elated and free.
That’s when I realised my period had started.
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Recognising the Pattern
This isn’t the first (and probably won’t be the last) time I’ll go through this experience, but I’ve made a note to myself for future reference.
The closer my period gets, the worse the PMDD symptoms.
Women who have the condition aren’t exaggerating about their experiences.
Everything I described above is an example of how the condition can mentally affect the women who have it — every single month.
The closer we get to our period, the more severe the symptoms can become.
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My story is merely a snippet from a large archive of my life’s episodes with the condition.
I’m fortunate that I don’t experience the mental and emotional trauma of PMDD across the full 14 days as was the case previously.
(For most women the timespan differs and can range from 7-14 days on average).
I experience the severity of the condition during the last few days before my period, but for the most part, the majority of my months are no longer as severe as the example I shared.
The noticeable improvement is likely due to my lifestyle and faith as discussed across other posts.
For countless women, however, this is their experience every month and for more than just a few days at a time.
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Acknowledging the Difficulty
I may be mentally stronger than I was, but during that particular episode, PMDD was still able to bring me to my knees.
My hope is that my shared personal account provides more insight into PMDD’s debilitating nature, and for those with the condition, that it brings encouragement.
I consider myself an empowered individual with an extremely disciplined lifestyle and yet, the condition can still tear me apart on occasion.
How much more the women who are simply trying to go about their daily lives.
We’re forced to survive ourselves constantly so it’s no wonder that suicidal ideation is a common symptom.
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Women with PMDD are NOT crazy.
Our brains are just hypersensitive to the changes in our hormones.
I’m yet to do the research myself, but I strongly believe that as we approach our bleed, there are further changes within our hormones which to me, may explain why the condition becomes more intense.
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Reflections & Reassurances
My period arrived and I felt almost immediately fine.
I have to remind myself constantly that this condition is in no way an accurate representation of me or who I am.
It’s a ghastly façade that overshadows the real me and whatever negative thinking I’m experiencing at that time, isn’t me.
So a gentle reminder to my PMDD community — PMDD isn’t you.
The emotions will come and may seem real, but hold onto faith and remember who you truly are.
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The reason why I continue life as normal irrespective of whether I’m experiencing the symptoms or not, is because my life practices and disciplines are reflective of the real me.
I’m determined to live the life I want, not the life the condition tries to dictate.
The closer our period gets, the worse the condition can become, but always remember who you are, and who you are not.
I relentlessly keep living because I’m so much stronger than I think.
And so are you.
