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It’s not what happens or happened to you, it’s how you respond that defines how you view these instances and influence your own perception of life moving forward.
Have you ever wondered why we find individuals who overcame such difficult life challenges and made something significant of themselves so inspirational?
They defied all odds.
We’re inspired by them because to go against how you feel and act in a way that’s contrary to what you’re experiencing, is a self-discipline difficult to master.
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The greatest success we can achieve in life as humans, is the mastery of self. After all, it’s been proven to us time and again.
Positive response management when proactively practiced, is a characteristic of self-discipline that can truly impact, improve, and change life for the better.
Rather than being defined by your conditions you define your life, by your decisions.
I’ll repeat that.
Rather than being defined by your conditions you define your life, by your decisions.
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It’s choosing to take a step that will have a positive solution-focused outcome, prevent the situation from worsening, and stop your emotions from spiralling.
It’s the ultimate discipline.
From here on out as long as we live, our character will constantly be tested. We share the earth with people who have different personality types and character traits.
Societies added expectations and its demanding nature on us as citizens, will apply its own pressure and test every fibre of our mental being.
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We will encounter people who are rude, dismissive, aggressive, unkind, abrupt, provocative, and so on and so forth.
You can probably think back to a time when you met someone who exuded one or more of these behaviours.
You may have reacted impulsively to such distasteful interaction or, chosen to ignore it.
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Similarly, many of us have also experienced tough times and conditions too. A bout of poverty, a bereavement, a threat of eviction, redundancy, a car accident, or the like.
How we’ve been impacted by these conditions will vary based on our individual perception of the situation.
If you’re anything like I use to be, you probably felt like the world was ending, became disheartened, upset, or even depressed.
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There is a minority however who despite the challenges of life, found a way to muster their strength and see the positive in the situation despite how dire it may have been.
They refused to succumb to the provoked emotion, and effectively managed their response to work towards a positive solution.
These individuals take ownership of their ‘response management capability’.
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Most people can be placed into two categories. Those who are reactive and those who are proactive.
Reactive people are influenced by the things happening around them. Their emotions and consequently their behaviours are dictated in accordance with their surroundings at the time.
Their life circumstances and conditions control them. Therefore, their situational-driven responses, manage them.
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Proactive people however, influence their circumstances by the intentional actions they apply in any given situation. They sustain and continuously apply a mindset of faith, belief and resilience.
They seek out solutions and apply themselves productively, taking a leadership role in challenging life situations.
They independently shape their proactive response ultimately controlling their quality of life.
In the below 30-minute video I cover the above in more detail, using my own life experiences as an example.
I’ll talk you through how I’ve been able to work on my own response management capability.
Now, let’s bring this concept to life and look at two completely fictional, yet relatable examples featuring the life of a reactional character first, then that of a proactive character second.
Reactive Character - Ian
Ian is a 29-year-old Caucasian male of Scottish heritage. The only child to his parents.
Growing up, he was what many would consider as a ‘spoilt child’. His parents doted on him, were his biggest fans and supported him passionately throughout his life.
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He graduated from a good university in London with a 2:1 Bachelor Honours degree in Environmental Studies. He achieved this slightly later than his peers due to a few gap years spent travelling.
At the point of his graduation, Ian is well travelled and has had a passion for the environment since his teenage years.
His dream is to become an Environmental Consultant.
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Ian lives as part of a house share in a 2-bed apartment in South-West London with his fellow graduate and good friend, Lorna.
They rent their home from a private landlord paying £2295 per month for their accommodation which is split between them. In addition to their rent, they also have household bills.
Ian has been receiving financial support from his parents but also works a part-time job as an office administrator for a finance group in Central London.
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Following the completion of his degree, Ian expected to land his ideal job quite quickly.
Despite achieving a very good grade, he found he was barely getting through the first stage of job applications.
His parents call him to advise their savings are slowly running out and as agreed when he moved to London to study, they’d only be able to support him for another two months.
Ian begins to feel the pressure.
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Fully aware of his impending financial predicament, he rigorously intensifies the level of his job applications but remains unsuccessful.
His housemate Lorna who has been more successful in her job search, advises Ian that she and her fiancé have plans to move in together, so she’ll be moving out.
Now faced with finding a suitable housemate in addition to his job search, the pressure continues to mount.
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Ian grows increasingly frustrated at his situation filling him with anxiety. For the next month, he continues to apply for jobs and search for a new housemate – but to no avail.
His frustration soon turns into depression, and he decides to buy himself a bottle of wine one Friday evening to help ease the pressure.
He continues this pattern of drinking and soon enough, he becomes addicted.
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Ian’s new addiction begins to affect his work performance at his part-time job, and he’s eventually sacked for gross misconduct after turning up intoxicated.
On Lorna’s departure, having failed to secure a new housemate, Ian packs his belongings and heads back to his parent’s home in Scotland.
Once home and in reflection of his circumstances, the depression and drinking worsen.
“I worked so hard, I did everything right, life isn’t fair!” He states angrily as he takes another heavy sip.
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Stuck as a prisoner to his own thoughts, Ian withdraws further and ceases communication with everyone in his life.
Despite all the efforts of his parents to get him help, he continues to spiral.
Spending most days indoors he consumes his time watching TV, comfort eating and drinking.
He’s given up looking for work and soon one year passes by.
He’s put on three stone in weight, is chronically depressed and is diagnosed with liver inflammation from his excessive drinking.
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With no job to feed his habit, Ian begins to steal from his parents.
Another few months pass by, and Ian’s mother suffers a stroke thought to be related to the deep concerns she developed for her son. She doesn’t pull through.
Ian is devastated. Riddled with grief, his drinking intensifies. He becomes more aggressive and unreasonable.
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Feeling hopeless, Ian’s father feels he has no option but to kick his son out from their family home.
Due to his lost contact with friends, Ian has no one to turn to so begins to sleep rough.
He remains a homeless drunk in and out of homeless shelters for the following 20 years.
Eventually, during one particularly cold winter, Ian passes out and is taken to hospital.
He’s diagnosed with severe pneumonia and despite the efforts of medical professionals, he passes away.
Ian was 50 at the time of his death.
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Proactive Character - Lilliana
Lilliana is a 33-year-old mixed race female of Russian & Puerto Rican heritage. Her father is Russian although, she’s never met him.
Her mother worked as a babysitter for a Russian family in the Dominican Republic and was sexually abused by her employer, Lilliana’s father.
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Following her assault, Lilliana’s mother turns to drugs to help her cope with the trauma and Lilliana is born addicted to drugs as a result.
Shortly after turning 6-years-old, her mother then gave her up for adoption and Lilliana grew up in the system until she became of age.
Having been subjected to various abuses herself throughout her life in the care of others, Lilliana pursues a fresh start making plans to chase the American dream.
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She puts in an application for the USA Green card lottery and is successful.
She’s now 21 and doesn’t have a specific plan but she knows she wants a better life.
Having cooked for the younger children during her time in care homes, she’s always had a love for cooking and a dream of owning her own restaurant one day.
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Once she gets to America, she applies for any job she can find, hoping to attend culinary school and further her cooking aspirations.
Her English is basic so she watches movies, TV and YouTube videos to help her learn.
She begins working in school catering on minimum wage. It isn’t ideal but she’s just glad to have a job.
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She works out how much she would need for culinary school and realises with her existing job, it’d take many years to save what she needs.
She lives in an unpleasant part of Detroit in a tiny studio flat.
Vermin, violent crime and drug rings are rife in her community, but nothing deters her aspirations.
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She’s made friends with a neighbour who later becomes her best friend – Nyesha. Lilliana uses Nyesha’s smart phone to watch cooking programmes and practice her cooking skills.
Aside her day job, she’s now taken on a part-time evening job working as a home cleaner.
Slowly, her savings begin to increase.
One evening on her walk home, she spots an advert for a local cooking competition. The winner will be offered a cash award for a culinary school of their choice.
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She applies and is shortlisted.
In attending, she progresses through to round two, but her dream is cut short when she is not selected for the final round. She leaves disappointed and upset.
Returning to life as usual but determined in her ambition, she decides to search for similar cooking competitions online.
“I know I can do this!” she mutters to herself.
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She attends another five competitions achieving the same outcome as the first.
Feeling devastated from her inability to secure a win, doubt temporarily sets in.
The following week after a short bout of despair, Lilliana plans a different approach. She applies to work at a prestigious restaurant downtown.
She’s turned down but feeling adamant about what she has to offer, she turns asking the owner if she’d consider allowing her to work for free in the evenings as a dishwasher.
The owner accepts, and she begins work the following day.
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She banters and makes friends with one of the younger chefs Castillo, closely observing his exceptional cooking skills.
After one year of working for free, the owner is impressed by Lilliana’s determination having noticed her observant nature.
One Friday night, she asks Lilliana if she can prepare one of their popular appetiser dishes.
Lilliana, has been paying attention.
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Excited for the opportunity, she prepares the appetiser and the owner is lost for words. She offers Lilliana a paid position as a full-time sous-chef on the spot.
The chef she befriended and whose cooking ability she admired, Castillo, later becomes her husband.
Lilliana continues to flourish in her role. She contributes new menu ideas, has an excellent work ethic, is teachable and takes pride in her quality of cooking and attention to detail.
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Another two years soon pass and she’s saved enough money not only to attend culinary school, but to start her own business.
Lilliana and her husband move to Chicago, and open the restaurant she’s always dreamed of.
Thanks to its popularity, her restaurant gains social media attention and she’s soon hosting well-known names. Her business blooms, and within ten years of beginning her business, she now has another three branches across three other states.
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In year twelve, Lilliana achieves the unthinkable – her first Michelin star and is approached by publishers to write her own Cookbook.
Shortly after the launch of her Cookbook, she discovers she’s pregnant and takes time away with her husband to locate and visit her birth mother who she then moves to the US to join their family.
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Analysis
These two characters although fictional are examples of how our decisions can define our quality of life.
We witnessed how Ian’s reactive attitude impacted his personal circumstances and environment, with a quick spiral of his life from bad to worse.
Despite his more ‘favourable’ upbringing, his background had no bearing on his ‘response-ability’ and his decisions were influenced by the varying emotions evoked from his lived experiences.
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When left untreated i.e. if the reactive behaviour remains unchanged, it can easily ripple and determine the shape of our future.
Being impulsively reactive is something all of us can probably relate to at one point of life or another.
It’s having the awareness however, that a situation can worsen based on the reactive decisions we do or do not make.
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Reacting impulsively can be the difference between life or death i.e. a brief act of rage or a desperate need for immediate financial reprieve and the like.
All it takes is one seriously wrong decision and our course of life can quickly migrate from point E to point Z.
Similarly, having control of your response management ability and applying purposeful action can also see you change your life, but for the better.
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Despite Lilliana’s childhood background being less favourable, we may stereotypically have assumed a more tumultuous life ahead but instead, her decisions and actions as well as her outcomes, inspire a strong sense of admiration.
Lilliana wasn’t defined by her past, her existing conditions, or her circumstances. She defined her own life by her choices.
Her response management capability was grounded in an unspoken, but ever-present level of resilience.
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She’s fully aware that her life and conditions are tough. Although she faced certain hurdles, she remained focused on what she believed could be achieved.
She faced and confronted her reality knowing it wasn’t at all ideal but always reverted to her proactivity.
Despite it taking her years, her decisions ultimately shaped and determined her outcomes.
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As humans, it’s completely natural to ‘feel’ things based on life events. Life, however, is unpredictable and no one knows tomorrow.
This is why it’s expedient that although we have no control over life’s instances, we learn to have control of ourselves.
Whether life hits us with good times or bad times, we remain unchanged.
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If we can become consistent in our action, our responses and our behaviours, we can ultimately direct the path our life takes.
Life may remain unpredictable but if we train ourselves to be constant in our ‘response-ability’, we can shape our own destiny.
Train your mind, by training your actions. Take ownership of your response management capability and navigate your own destiny.
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To set you on your way, I strongly encourage you to read a book that gave me deep insight into this way of living.
Due to the way it’s written, I now refer to it frequently like a life handbook – The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey.
Manage your actions, manage your responses, and you’ll indirectly manage your life.
He that getteth wisdom loveth his own soul: he that keepeth understanding shall find good – Proverbs 19: 8
